No f*cking idea

I keep seeing reminders to set your intentions. Your goals. What do you want from 2017. What do you want to create.

I have no fucking idea. Honestly. Maybe not be so sad. To heal.

Because really the only thing I want I can't ever have again. The only thing I'm missing from my life will never come back. Do you know hard that it is to fully accept?

I only want him. I have everything else I could ever want.

Just him. Just our relationship.

It was so easy. No games. No mind games. No guessing. No anxiety. No indecisiveness. . It just was. None of the bullshit that I know dating or relationships can be.

So I have no idea what to ask for in 2017. I just want to go back to end of May 2016 when we met. Or better yet, the morning of August 14 and tell him to stay with me instead of going riding. Can I have that? Pretty please?  Cause truly that's all I'd ever ask for.

So as I prepare to say goodbye to 2016 and hello to 2017, I feel sort of lost. I don't know what to ask for because I have no idea what I'm ready for.....

So maybe : Peace. Serenity. Strength. Gratefulness. Healing.

But really, I just want us.....fuck. Just us


xo
barney

hold on.....

" There’s going to be days when you just don’t want to be here anymore. You just stay. You f***ing stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice. I promise. I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you.” ~ Erin Van


I can admit there were far too many days than I like to admit that I've wanted to give up in my life. When my mom died, my divorce and Dan. Far too many. However I always knew, felt, that there was more. That I couldn't give in to that. That I was here for a reason.

I've had this proven even more lately. I've had friends privately message me to tell me to please keep talking. Please keep expressing my feelings. That without knowing it I have inspired them. I have helped them. Helped them stay positive. Helped them look at their own life and relationships differently. To strive to make their relationships better. More loving. More open. And shown them how to be strong even when you are weak. That vulnerability is a super hero strength. Not something to be afraid of.

I want my children to see that, yes, life can be incredibly shitty and so fucking painful however, that they have it in them to survive it. To not only survive, but thrive. Thrive despite what happens to them. That the world needs them. Needs their wisdom. Their voice. Their exuberance. Their joy.

This week I realized that I'm still the same woman I was 3mths ago. Strong. Calm. Happy. Just right now she is inside a grief bubble but she's slowly working her way out. I guess you could say like a baby chick when it starts to hatch. It slowly breaks a piece of the shell. It's not instant. It takes time. It starts usually with one tiny little foot. Breaking free but still not quite ready to shatter the whole outer shell. My grief bubble is my shell...I still need it. I feel safe in it however I am realizing how much it's starting to affect my life and hinder my growth. Hinder my happiness and joy. But inside that bubble is a woman who has never given up. Who's been through hell and back a few times now and it hasn't broken her yet. It's actually made her who she is ....a strong independent vulnerable loving insightful inspiring super effin hero. Who has a voice. Who isn't afraid to shine even if her light scares people away. She'll still shine so that maybe they can see themselves away from their darkness and shadows. That they have the same light and it not only rocks to shine it, it's what world needs you to do.

So hold on, my loves. You're here for a reason. You are needed. You have a voice. You are beautiful and the world would be a much different place without you in it. Always, always remember that .....especially in your darkest fucking days.

xo
barney

memories....

Wow...2 posts in one day :)

One of the hardest parts about missing someone isn't just that you don't get to talk to them or see them when you want, it's also not having anyone to share the memories you have together.  For me anyways, it is. In the moments when I'm reminded of something we did or said, I only have myself to say it and reminisce with. When I laugh about something he said or something I did, I'm the only one laughing.

Obviously there are some memories that you have with other people when they were around. See that's the thing though....we spent so much time alone that there aren't a lot of people to do that with.

When his friends were posting on his FB after the accident about all the fun stories I was a little jealous....jealous that they had people who could relate to that memory. Who had been there. I don't really have that.....however when I really think about it and feel it, for me it makes our time together even more special. Even if I have no one to share the memory with. Because in those moments, I didn't have to share him. It was just us. Even if the kids were around there were certain moments we'd  sneak flirty looks or whisper something only we could hear. Most of our time though, like I said was spent just us. That's what we were looking for, needed and wanted. And there was no music playing. No tv on. No FB or internet. It was just us, always talking and laughing. Such a different relationship than we had ever had before. So much talking on the phone...especially when he was away for the week. We'd talk at night when all the boys were settled down. Sometimes until 1am. It was our time to catch up. To say I miss you. Wish you were here. It happened when he'd go out town for the day ( for work) too. Put me on blue tooth and chat most of the way there and back. I love that I have those conversations in my head. I love how into each other we were and even in our crazy busy lives we always tried to make the other a priority. That's so incredibly important. Make your partner a priority. It takes a second. You don't need to talk to them for hours to show it...send a flirty fun text ending with I can't talk but wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

I got a text once in the middle of the day :

Beautiful
Ya You

That was it. That was the entire text. Do you know how amazing that was? How special it made me feel? See that's love. Without having to say a I love you. There are so many different ways to to show it. I actually think the words mean so much less than the actions or the looks. We taught me that. My whole life I was always waiting for the words. That wow he finally loves me cause he said it.......despite the actions they were showing me. I took the words to be more important.

This time.....it was the actions. It was the respect. Being vulnerable. Being strong for the other. Being there. The looking into each other's eyes...and I mean actually looking and seeing. The words didn't need to be said. They had been said a hundred times already through our actions. Through our texts. Through our time spent alone. Through our kisses. Through our eyes.....absolutely 100% through our eyes. I knew it and he knew it. That's something pretty freakin special.

So I have all these memories. All of these moments replaying in my head. And don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to have them. Just sometimes I wish, no ache, to turn to him and say remember when? or let him know how that memory made me feel.....and not just out loud to myself or to his spirit. To actually, physically him. To hear his answer back or hear his laugh. Or to have him make fun of me.

Just to have him....to share that memory again.....one more time

xo
barney

Light and fun

I've been wanting to write daily the last few weeks but my emotions have been up down, up and down. Struggled with the words to write. Struggling with how I'm really feeling. Still am

Right now, the feeling is living life light and fun. Light and fun. Goofy. Silly. Taking nothing too seriously cause fuck how can you? If losing him hasn't shown me that what will?? One moment we were hanging out on his couch, the next he was gone. You never know what's going to happen. What's coming next? It may be the best thing for you and it may be the worst. So live it up people. Live it up.

Stop taking yourself so seriously. So you said the wrong thing? Oops. Now move on. You made the wrong choice. Oh oh. Now move on.

Stop taking anyone so seriously as well. They are just as human and bound to eff up as you are. Give them the room to be themselves. Dear God, please absolutely give yourself that room.

So do the things you're afraid of. Put yourself out there even with the fear of looking like an ass. So what? You won't look like one but even if you do, someone like me is going to admire the fuck out of you for doing it. I'm gonna respect you so much more than I would you sitting in your little confined cute box. Don't be me. Don't be the girl who has been so afraid to risk. To risk herself. Her feelings. Her joy. Her happiness. Be the person who is light and fun and just plain ridiculously happy.

Life can be, is and will be absolutely too short to be anything different.......just do it. Live it. Be it.

.........Happy ......

xo
barney

allowing

Today is a grief day. And that's ok. I'm finally coming to terms that I'm going to have them. For maybe a very long time. That crying every couple of minutes or going through a whole day with only crying once is ok. Normal. Normal for me anyways.

 Someone yesterday cried telling me how much she still missed him and even to her it didn't feel real. She knew him longer than I did however didn't obviously have the same type of relationship. In that moment it made me realize if she can still miss him this much and feel this sad, no wonder I do.

See I have a bit of OCD....and when I say that, it means my brain won't shut off and I tend to obsess over things especially if I need to find " logic" in it to sort it out in my brain. I need to feel like I'm " normal" ......I need to make " sense" of things.  It's crazy and it's fucking stupid. All I need to do is feel without feeling the need to explain it or justify it but somehow that's a really hard thing for me. I'm a chronic overthinker. And sometimes, most times it's so detrimental to my state of mind.

I don't know of I learned at an early age to shut my feelings off when they hurt or are too much. Or if life experiences has done it. That in trying to protect myself, my heart, I give it over to my brain. Who then says " get over it" " move on" " let it go" etc etc etc, I think it's how I've learned to survive. However I don't know if this is the healthiest way for me to survive. It's worked up until now but maybe it's time to feel more, think less. Fuck, though, that's scary. Feeling all the feels and sitting in  it. Sitting in it without trying to think. To figure it out. To justify. Just to feel.

So for today, it's a grief day. Just a feel day. So if you see me and I look sad. My eyes may be puffy. I have the eyeore cloud over my head, you'll know that I've been sitting in my shit, feeling all my feelings and just allowing.

More than likely though, it'll be a cocooning day.

Ten.....

10 weeks today. I know it's probably not the healthiest to keep counting but it's how my brain works. I did it when we were together.  " wow it's been 4 weeks" now 6. Holy shit we've made it 6 weeks. Now 8. Two whole months. I was excited to count them. I was like a teenager who wanted to celebrate each week especially a milestone one like a month or 2. We actually never got to 12- 3 mths. You died 6 days earlier. But I didn't care, I rounded it up.

10 weeks.....and that first day, I didn't know if I was going to make 10 minutes without being with you.  The first 10 minutes after getting the call I didn't know if I was going to make it at all.....except for the kids. Mine and yours. I had to tell mine and I had to get to yours.

I will be honest in saying it's gotten a bit easier. Quite a bit on some days. Others, not so much.

A part of me doesn't know if I want to get used to it being like this. Calmer. More peaceful. The chaos and the pain can get addicting and it's what I'm used to from my whole life. And a part of me is scared that I'll forget. That we'll forget you. I know it's not real. It's not rational but dude, we know how I'm not always the most rational human.

I do miss you as much as I did in the moment I found out you were gone. I can still feel that feeling. The bending over onto my bed, staring at the picture of us and saying out loud no. Please no. And sobbing. Wanting to crawl out of my body because it hurt so much. Frantic. Thinking how the fuck did this happen. This can't be real. No, this cannot be real.

10 weeks later it's still real.

But today, like that day, the sun is shining. The leaves have turned and are beautiful. I'm healing. I'm learning to be grateful. I'm seeing the beauty again. I remembering us. Remembering the things we talked about. Laughed our asses off about. I'm remembering how you looked at me. How you kissed me. How your smile made feel like I was the only one in the room and the most beautiful.  I'm remembering how independent and strong I am and how much you admired me for it. I'm remembering that I will never settle for anyone less than the kind of man you are.

I'm remembering us......and how we felt about each other.....in 11, almost 12 short weeks. And those override the 10 weeks since you've been gone. They always will.

Always and forever

xo
barney

Are we any different?

I have so many mixed up emotions at the moment.....

I see all the people who loved him. Who knew him for so many years. Had so many memories with him and from their pictures or how they talk, life seems to getting back to normal for them. They're going on road trips. They enjoyed their Thanksgiving even with a touch of sadness. They're hunting. They're hiking. They're making plans. Looking forward to the snow, to ski or do whatever winter brings joy to them.

And all I feel is stuck. I'm envious. I also know I'm not necessarily seeing the whole picture. How they may cry at night or at their jobs in the middle of the day. But from where it looks from for me, they're accepting the loss better. They're moving forward. And I feel like that all I do is keep looking back.

Their normal or maybe their new normal seems so different than mine. But then again maybe their normal was only seeing or talking to him once a week or even once every two. They were best friends, close friends, great friends but they had their own separate everyday life from him. For the months we were together, we weren't separated. If we didn't get to see each other, we at least talked.

My normal in 3 short but amazing months changed so drastically. I went from being extremely single. Independent. Content. Doing things on my own all the time to speaking and usually seeing someone everyday. That became my new normal within a week and lasted 10 more. One extreme to the other. And then when he died, the extreme changed back....only this time I have sadness, sorrow, longing and aching instead of independence and contentment. And I don't have him to turn to in those moments. No soft place to fall....except my own arms.

Maybe that's why I'm envious too....most people have their person still. When missing him and wanting to call him overwhelms them, they have their mate ( or it seems like most do). To talk about it. Have them hold them. Understand what they feel like.

This is not meant to be a " feel sorry" for me post. It's just trying to figure it out in my head.

I think I may need to learn more about whatever it seems they are doing to bring back their normal or their " new" normal. Or maybe I just need to be gentle in reminding myself that my grief is my own. My relationship with him was different as theirs was as well. And also that what I " see" in a picture or " hear" about is maybe just a snippet of happiness. That those who love him are grieving as much as I am and are feeling as alone in that as I do......

xo
barney

Cocoon

I'm not the biggest fan of winter......it's cold, usually gloomy. I was looking forward to having someone to ski with, go sledding. Just take walks in the snow. I know he would have pushed me outside even on the days I'd just want to be curled up inside. Being outside with someone else is fun. It's goofy. It's worth being cold for because you know you'll warm up with them later ;)

I've been having hard time with myself and my expectations of myself. I'm hard on myself for crying still. For not wanting to wake up in the morning, let alone do anything. I keep forgetting to be gentle on myself. To allow whatever I'm feeling be felt. That I've been going through having to let go of many things over the last 3 years, not just now. That some of my grief isn't just him. It's over a marriage - a dream I had of what my life was going to be. Notice I said " a marriage" and not " my marriage" I've realized I don't miss mine. I don't miss how we were together. How hard it was most of the time. I miss the idea of the us I thought we were. Neither of us were who we really are while we were married -it was like we playing pretend. Being who we thought the other wanted. Sad really.
I don't miss that. But I do miss the feeling of belonging. Of feeling like someone has your back. The feeling of having someone to share with. I miss that.

I realized today that this is ( and already has) going to change me. I'm still the me before we were  "us" however knowing him and being around him changed me.....his death definitely did and will keep on. And what I realized today is that it can be a good thing.

So instead of berating myself and expecting myself to be doing stuff all time, I'm going to allow myself to grow and change. Be still, be quiet. Be by myself when I need to. I used to call it hibernating. Hibernating feels negative though. Hiding. Being stagnant.

What I will be doing is more like cocooning. Just like the caterpillar, when it's time to grow and change, it cocoons itself. From the harsh elements. From outside influences. It allows itself to transform while wrapped in safety. For me, my home is my safety. It always has been. I'm so grateful for having that safety. The fact that it's getting colder. It will be winter soon, is actually a good thing for me. I can allow myself to cocoon. To grow. To build on who I already am. Be safe and warm. Away from the harshness. And when Spring comes hopefully I will be ready to re-emerge even stronger. With more understanding. Of myself and of the world around me. With even more compassion and empathy than I already have. With some of my grief healed. That when the sun shines so brightly all I'll want to do is hold my face towards it and let it warm me. That my memories of us, of my marriage, my mom, my stepdad and the others I have lost are even more beautiful than before. That I'm more grateful for even having them even though I lost them.

So these next months are for me. Just for me. What a beautiful wonderful realization and how lucky I am that I can do that for myself without expectations. That I can let my life flow in the way it needs to. Stay on my path without knowing my destination. Just knowing that it's going to be a beautiful, hard, sometimes scary journey and that's ok. I have the strength, the grit, the knowledge and insight to know what I need to do for myself. Self care at its finest.....in my cocoon.

xo
barney

emptiness

So mixed curling started tonight . I had so much fun. Honestly for a few hours I didn't think of you constantly. There were many times I did though. Lol, like when I fell on my ass - ya that wasn't embarrassing at all- don't worry I handled it like the " pro class clown " I am and laughed it off.

I've read some blogs where people feel guilty for having fun,laughing and enjoying life again. I didn't. I know how much you want me to laugh - belly laugh again and I did. I was me again for a few hours. Me before grief knocked me on my ass.

But I came home and all I want to do is tell you about it. I came home and I'm alone once again. I don't have a " hope you had fun " text on my phone. Or "call me when you're home " text. I came home to that fucking empty feeling again. And I fucking hate it. I'm so damn tired of it.

I don't want to do this sometimes. I don't want to start the fuck over. I just want us. Dammit, just us. Or even if there wasn't an us anymore - still at least knowing your in the world.

Dammit I miss you so much. And right now I don't know how to get past it. I was alone for so many years before I got married. I was alone for 2 1/2 years before we met. Why the f*ck does being alone now for 2 months feel so hard? So damn lonely?

I just miss you dude and what you brought to my life. That's it. That's all. Simple .....

I miss the bleeping eff out of you ..... every. damn. day.

xo
barney

Happened......

I just read a line on a different blog post

" I feel so lucky that _____ happened to me "

Holy shit. For some reason that resonated so hard with me today.

I am so lucky that Dan happened to me,

I got to be the woman he chose to talk to, text and see every day for 3 mths. Me. Only me.
He " saw " me. The real me. The authentic genuine me and he chose to love her.  He chose to wake up every morning and text me " good morning beautiful". He chose to call me whenever he was on the road for work. He chose me to be around his children. He chose me to spend his spare time with. To share his dreams. His goals. His insecurities and doubts. His pain. His joy. His funny as fuck sense of humour. His body. His kisses. His hugs. His life. His heart. His love.

And I absolutely know he would say the same about me. He was the one I chose. Everyday, To share my fears. My trust issues. My dreams. My magic. My body. My kisses and hugs. My children. My heart and my love.

We chose each other over and over again for 3 months and I feel we'd still be choosing each other now. I know I would be.

How amazing and beautiful is that? Some people never get to experience what we did. Some people don't find their " person" in this lifetime.

I did. He did. It took us waaaay too long to find each other and absolutely not enough time after. But we still had it. He carries that with him wherever he is and I get to carry it with me for the rest of my life.

So fucking incredibly grateful that " he happened to me". That " we happened to each other"

I love you donkey butt....thanks for helping to send that one line for me to read today. I needed it.

xo
barney

ying and yang...but fuck the yang

A day of ying and yang. Yup, that's what it is.

Today is my gorgeous first born daughter's 21st birthday. I can remember every detail of that day. Waking up just after 7am realizing that I was having contractions. Excitement. Fear. Holy shit this is happening went through me. By the end of the day I would meet my baby. I would be a mother. lol, I would have my belly back and no more heartburn.

She was the catalyst for me to change my life. I was 25. No direction. Had been living in Calgary but missing home so much. I wasn't ready to be a parent. Especially a single one. All I knew was I loved her more than I ever imagined loving someone. We became a little family of two and as many times as I screwed up, I made up for it many times over in doing the best for us.

She has grown into this amazing young women. So intelligent. Sensitive. Incredibly insightful. Funny AF. Goofy. Silly. Kind. Respectful. Responsible. I would like to take most of the credit for all of this but seriously she has done this on her own. She's always marched to her own drum. She inspires me all the time. We truly are " friends" I would consider her one of my best. Even though I'm the parent, when I needed her, to just be there, she has been. She held my hand the entire time during his service. She was my rock and I so badly needed that. I am forever grateful that this miraculous human chose me to be her mom. I love her more than words can describe and I always will, forever.

Now for the shit .....today is 2 mths since his accident. Yes I'm celebrating one of the best days of my life while still mourning one of the worst. I'm trying to focus on the best. Her. The miracle she is for me. But I did have to take 2 meds this morning. I may need them all day. So yeah, fuck. Ying and yang. If only life offered the happiness....how sweet that would be.

So yay for my beautiful child - I love you xo

So fuck for missing you - I love you xo

xo
barney

Poker face

I've always been a pretty open person at the same time being private about certain things. This last year, I started sharing even more about my life with friends, acquaintances and even on my fb. I didn't think about it. I just did it. It wasn't for recognition or admiration..it was just the thoughts in my head.

And then I did it with my grief when I lost him. And for the most part I was supported. However I did get backlash. Strangers talking about me to some friends. Friends talking about me to friends instead of coming to me. I realized that I didn't want to be as open as I thought I did. That I wasn't ready for my life to examined, explored, scrutinized the way some people were.

One of my besties has been trying to tell for a year that I don't always have to show my whole hand....like in poker. Use your poker face. It's not lying to " pretend" you have cards that you don't. That your own life can be the same. You don't have to tell every detail to everyone you meet. That you have the right to hide your " hand" or show it when you want.

The problem for me was wanting to live my life so authentically and genuinely that I felt like I needed to be an open book. I've realized that living my life authentically and genuinely means I do what feels right and best for me and fuck anyone else. That's what being authentic to myself is. It's not about anyone else. If I want to write my life all over FB, that's my right. If I don't, my right again. If I am having a hard time getting through my grief, that's for me only. If I don't move on with dating for a year, my right. If I move on right away. My right. If I want to sleep with anyone and whoever whenever I want to, my right. I don't know why I felt I needed or need explain my life, my choices, my decisions, my actions to anyone. I don't. And fuck anyone who decides to judge me. You aren't me. You aren't in my shoes. You didn't lose your marriage and then your boyfriend in the last 3 years.....I did.

So my lesson at the moment is to keep my cards close to my body. Not show my hand so quickly   (unless I choose to with the those I trust and thankfully I have at least 3 to do that with ). So the people of this small little town, keep your nose out of others business. Concentrate and focus on your own life. Keep your judgements to yourself or how about stop any judging at all. What I do or anyone does has NOTHING to do with you. And until you are in my exact shoes or anyone else's, just stay in your own and live your life the way you are choosing to.

And what anyone " sees" from the outside may not be what's going on in the inside. I may be as happy as I look when you see me. I also may be holding my pain in because in that moment I have to.   I may be doing fantastic that day but I may have also laid in bed all morning bawling until I made myself get up and out. Or I may do that the moment I get home. My feelings come in those waves I wrote about and it's not always about him. It may be about life in general. Life can be hard. ....for everyone.

PS...nothing has happened. This is more about me getting it out so I can say fuck you to the idea of anyone's else's " image" or " perception" of how I or anyone should be. So that I can stop giving a shit about what might be said about me with how I decide to live my life from this moment on.

xo
barney

Waves

Those waves.....holy shit, those waves. When they come at you, there's no stopping them. Sunday's was a tidal wave, maybe close to a Tsunami and damn did it knock me down. But I eventually stood up. Knocked the sand off and shook the water off. Preparing myself for the next one cause I know for damn sure another is coming. No idea when it's coming, how high it will be. How hard it will hit. But it's time for me to stand there, look it in the eye and say eff you. Knock me down. Keep knocking me down. I'm gonna get up every single time. Every. Single. Time. And slowly in time they won't be so high. Won't come as often. Won't be able to knock me down.

So today and maybe it will only happen today, I'm remembering the great. The fun. The constant laughing, the excitement of seeing his truck pull up or driving into his yard, knowing he was just as excited to see me. I'm remembering our first drunken kiss. The giddyness of first holding hands.

I'm remembering the moments of honesty. Showing our past pain and knowing that we were healing from it, together. We were helping each other see things differently. Maybe not so personally. That what was said to us, most times in hurt and anger weren't true. That we were worthy. That we hadn't done anything wrong. That we couldn't control what had happened to us however we could control how we felt about ourselves. That we were loveable......just as we were. We didnt have to change. That for us, we liked and loved each other unconditionally. That was the gift. If only for 3 mths we got to give each other so much love and respect. It changed both our lives. How can I not be grateful for that? Do I wish we had that for the next 50 years....you bet your ass I do. But we didn't. We got a few months and that was enough.

He gave me the chance to get to know his children. And to love them. And as long as they want and allow me to be in their life, I will be. I get to see the parts of him in them. We get to feel connected to him when we're together. When we laugh at the goofiest of things. When we talk about him and share our stories.

We were able to show my children ( and his) that you can love again after loss. That there are healthy loving relationships. My children got to see their mom happy again. Be taken care of and treated the way they feel she deserves to be. And that I have the strength to be vulnerable. To allow someone to love me just for me without trying to control it. And even now, I get to show them how to face those waves. Those fucking devastating waves and get back up. Again and again. By example, I hope to show my children, that shit happens. That life can knock the crap out of you but you decide what's next. I also get to show them self care. That if you need the days to lay in bed because that's all you have in the moment, then that's ok. It won't be like that forever. You'll find the strength, the courage to get out and start living again. Just that it doesn't have to be instantly. It will take time. It will take healing. But you will do it. And life will be beautiful again. It will be joyous and happy. And that the person you lost is always there, helping you remember that and guiding you to the best life you can have.

So thank you my NBF.....for flirting with me, for kissing me first, for showing me respect, how a strong man treats a woman. For openness and allowing me to let my guard down. For trusting you with my heart. For amazing whatever moments. And most of all for loving me, just as I am......

xo
barney

Don't even know ......

It's 2:30 and I've only just showered and blow dried my hair. Al I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't know what's stopping my either.

I'm sad. Incredibly sad today. It's not just him. It's my mom. My divorce. My feeling that I don't belong anywhere at this moment. In 14 years I lost 3 families.....my mom died so my place with her was gone. My dad and 2nd wife ( of 20 years) divorced and that was gone. And I'm going through a divorce, so my other family disappeared too, and now even though I have no real idea of how us could have been, I lost what my future may have been like.

It's that true sense of belonging. I have friends. Extended family members that I could be with today, I know that. For me, it's not the same. It feels like once again I'm trying to fit in and I just don't. Odd one out. No mother, no husband. Just me and my kids.

When I think of my mom still being here, I think of being at their house. Helping getting everything ready. My parents ( that's what I called her and my stepdad) got me. Would have gotten my divorce. Would have gotten my grief. There would have been no forcing conversation. No small talk. Just snacking, drinking wine or tea. Both kids laughing. Family. Just family. Love.

I loved having dinner with my in-laws too because once my mom was gone they gave me that same sense of family. I felt like I belonged. I was one of theirs.

When I picture us, him and I, I think of the chaos in his house with 8 of us ( him, me, his 3, my 2 and my daughters bf). I'm not saying this would have happened, it's just what I picture. And it's a fantastic picture. So much laughing. Eating. Being goofy. Probably dancing. That family again. What him and I absolutely needed, and our kids too. Stability. Safeness. Kinda like old times but new as well, you know.

So I'm feeling lost. Alone. Kinda fearful that it may always be like this. And I don't know what to do to soothe it. Go back to bed. Go for a drive. Do something productive. All I want is to stop feeling this way but I know there's nothing that will at this moment. I honestly know now why people try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs.

And I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. There are so many hurting people in the world at the moment....just in my little world right now, it feels overwhelming and that its just me......

I miss you today....mom, Pete, my married life, Dan. I miss you all so very much however I'm also so grateful to have ever had you at all.

xo
barney

Handle with care

As you know I'm not a fan of the word broken. Even heart broken ( which feels like I am most of the time). But really what I truly feel is fragile......

My heart feels fragile. My soul does too. My faith. All of me. Fragile. And it's not a feeling I'm used to or comfortable with. I'm the strong one. The one in control. The one who fights back and fights until she wins. Vulnerable yes...I'm ok with being vulnerable. Authentic. Genuine. But fragile. Like I could break? No. That isn't a feeling I like. But it's there. It's what I am.

It's how I can't be out in public too long. I can't be around people too much. I can't read too many helpful online sites. I can't watch the news or hear about others grief right now. I feel too fragile.

My heart feels like it's new and raw. Not hardened. Open yet closed from fear of being more hurt. Especially from anyone I thought I could trust. It's why I have once again built a fortress around it
 ( he had broken down many walls....opened up the front gate....pretty much from the beginning) to protect it and myself. It feels like it needs to be wrapped in bubble wrap. Lots and lots of bubble wrap. So it's still soft inside of the wrapping but is being taken care of while it heals.

My soul. Oh my soul. It has faith or at least it wants to. It wants to believe there is more. That it just needs to let go and trust. I think it may be the most fragile. When my mom died and then 4 years later my stepdad, I think that's when my soul stopped believing. Believing in anything positive. In manifestations. In creating your own life. It felt more like life was so out of my control and I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. What was the point in believing when every time I was happy, something shitty...so unbelievably shitty would happen again. Even now. I had fought for 2 1/2 years to heal and to get over my marriage. I had healed. I found who I wanted to be and I really liked her. I had faith I would find the right relationship. And I did. And it was everything I dreamed of and even more. I trusted my soul once again. And then ......then it was gone. In a blink of an eye, it was gone. And so has gone some of my faith, I'm questioning things again. Doubting. Trying to believe. Hoping and looking for signs but not always believing them when I think I see them.

They say when someone dies, part of you dies with them. Right now for me, it feels like part of my soul did and it's left me fragile. Oh so very unbelievably shattering fragile......

xo
barney

invisibly broken

“Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.”


This made me think of when we break a bone or some other kind of illness happens to us, we don't try to hurry our healing ( well some stubborn people don't.)  We listen to the dr's order.....stay off it. Don't over work it. Be gentle with it so it can heal properly. Rest. Relax. Lay on the couch and watch mindless tv or read. Or sleep. Take your meds to help alleviate the pain. Our logical minds think there is nothing wrong with this. It's what we're to do and we're dumb and being stubborn if we don't.

But for a broken heart or broken spirit, do we allow the same? I don't think many of us do. We have higher expectations of ourselves. I know I do. If I had a broken leg right now, I'd be more gentle. If it hurt I'd cry. I'd take my pain medication. So why when my heart hurts so much, I try to ignore it. I feel shame in taking my anxiety med. I feel I should be out doing something instead of hibernating laying on my couch crying all night. Maybe that's what my heart and my soul needs to heals. But because there is no physical break, no cast to remind me, it just makes me feel weak. Maybe over - dramatic.

Maybe my heart doesn't need to be distracted by the gym, Hanging out with friends. Hiking. All the things that are recommended. It's only been 8 weeks...maybe I just need rest. Sleep. Crying. Hibernating. Mindless, numbing tv. Meds that help my over worked thoughts.

When my mom died, I just went on with life. I had 2 small children. I couldn't stay in bed all day. Lay on the couch. She died at 3 am on Sun which happened to be Fathers Day that year. I was out for breakfast to celebrate the father of my children  by 11 that morning. Raw. Split open. Vulnerable. Numb. And there I was sitting in a packed room full of people eating eggs and bacon. She had only been gone 8 hrs and I allowed myself to push my feelings away for the sake of my children and their dad. No one made me. I could have said no, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want my pain to be more important. How fucked up was that? Shouldn't my loss and pain have been more important than bacon and eggs?  It absolutely should have been.

I got married 7 weeks later instead of postponing it. Again, I didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially her. Wtf? I barely remember my wedding. I felt numb and detached. It should have been one of the best days of my life and I just went through the motions. That wasn't fair to my new husband or to myself. I think that happened for many many years after too,

When we're not fully present for ourselves or others, we all feel the lack. It domino affects the situation. Why would we ever think that's the right thing to do?

Being authentic and genuine in our grief. In our pain. In our happiness and joy. That's living. That's learning. And being authentic means leaning into the pain, not ignoring it or distracting ourselves from it. It's realizing that it needs to be loved. Validated. Taken care of so it can heal and eventually we can move forward. Forward to the joy again. To the happy. To the beauty in the smallest things.

So right now if you're in pain and hurting....please stop being so hard on yourself. Stop your expectations. Be gentle. Be in the moment even when that moment feels so overwhelming.

And yes those words are for me, probably even more so than for anyone else. Now if I can just listen ........truly listen.

xo
barney

Noise

We work so much on ourselves. To become confident. Feel worthy. Not care what anyone thinks of us or need their approval. Most times, I've gotten pretty good with it. Then something happens where you feel you're under the microscope.....in the fish bowl again. It happened when my marriage broke up and it has felt like it's happened again. Truly it may be more in my head. A few people here and there telling me that people talk. It's a small town and sometimes my mind makes it bigger than it actually may be. Who knows? And really who cares? Ultimately I need to not care. To just be me.

My grief cousellor said it perfectly " You have the right to be yourself "

You have the right to be yourself. In that moment it clicked. It was one of my a-ha moments.

I'd like to say that I'm living that in every moment. That I never think, what will people think if I do this or do that? What if I seem too happy? What if I seem too sad? Are they saying " yeah she really loved him, sure she did. Look at her life." Or " jeez, get over it. It's not like you were married ". Terrible, stupid thoughts that invade sometimes. Some days so much more than others.

I wish I could say I give a rats ass about anyone's opinion or image of me and my life. That I'm as confident as I know a lot people think I am. That I live my life with the " no fucks given " attitude.
However I'm as human as everyone else. I have feelings - deeper than most people realize. That I can easily be hurt by words and actions even if I don't show you that you've just done that to me. That I'm vulnerable and sensitive but most times there's no way in hell I'll let you see that if I think you can hurt me. I know how high my guard is up. How big my fortress is. I'm the one who has built it. I'm the one who defends it. And I'm also the one who has allowed the wrong people in and allowed myself to be un-armed enough to get hurt.

It's a delicate balance. Being guarded yet vulnerable. Strong yet soft. I, like anyone else have encountered people who have used my kindness. My softness. My empathy. I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of. To be treated unworthy. To care more what people may think, than how I feel. Sometimes trying to live my life to what I think are their standards of me.

It's why I hibernate sometimes but also why I can feel so alone too. Wanting to be around people. Out having fun. Socializing. But worried about what may be said later. Will I be talked about. Is that all in my head or is it the truth? And why do I really even care? It feels exhausting sometimes so it's easier to just stay at home or do things on my own.

We, him and I did that a lot. Hibernated. Stayed at home. Went for long walks. Just were together. After what we both had been through, we just wanted calm. Peace. Quiet. I miss that. Being with someone who " got it ". Who understood. Just us. In our own little world. Yup. I miss that.

This absolutely feels like a rambling post.....I warned you about the " noise" in my head. Well, this is the noise.

Being still

I saw a grief counsellor last night. It was the first time I ever had the courage. With all of my other losses, I was afraid of going. Afraid it would open a flood gate of pain and tears that I wouldn't be able to stop. Keeping it all locked behind that concrete door felt easier and to be honest, it actually is sometimes. Except we all know, it's not healthy. It builds up. Has nowhere to go. Festers. Thrives inside of you and eats away at all the good.

She helped me see that I need to " nurture" my grief. Nurture all of my feelings. Like we do our children and the others we love. Hold the grief and soothe it. Honour it. Sit with it. Validate it.

The thing is though....just sitting with it is hard. It's fucking scary. I've been doing it all morning and it's not easy. I think it may be one of the hardest things I'll do for myself. I'm used to taking control.
" Doing" something. How do you just sit? Be still? Let your body feel all the feels, feeling like your shaking from the inside out ? It feels weak. It feels so scary. So out of control. And I'm not good with out of control. Control makes me feel safe. A false sense of safety, yet it's still a feeling of safety.

So for today, for the moment, I'm sitting gently holding my screaming grief and just sitting. Just being.

But dammit, it's fucking hard....just sayin'

xo
barney

I've never liked rollercoasters

This rollercoaster ride fucking sucks. Today is absolutely a Dan day. A shitty, I could crawl back into bed and not get out day. And I have no idea why.

I just want to put on his shirt, pull up the covers and sleep the day away, in hopes that when I wake up again, I don't feel like my whole soul is aching, like it does at the moment. It's not anxiety. It's pure sadness. Plain sad. Aching. The feeling that nothing will take it away. No anxiety meds. No numbing with alcohol. No magic pill. Just him. That's what would take it away.....him. And no amount of talking to him out loud, in my head, in my journal is taking it away. It's actually making it worse because it makes it feel even more real.

It's not a lonely feeling either. It's just a deep, so deep missing him. His voice. His smile. The sparkle in his eyes when he was happy and/or being goofy. The " hey" when he saw you. Just him.

Fuck. That's it. Fuck.

difference in a day

45 days....

But this is to show how one day can be different. I don't know if it's because I knew you were in my dreams - I don't remember seeing you but I do remember feeling you. 45 days since we talked and you know what hon? I've done it. Not always in the way I would have liked. It's been hard. It will be hard again. And then they'll be days like today again where I don't wake up sad. Oh I still miss you but damn boy, missing you doesn't change anything. It just makes my day/night shitty. And right now I'm so incredibly tired of the shitty.

I miss you. I so wish I was texting you right now instead of writing this ....wherever you are, remember how much you mean to me and how incredibly happy and grateful I felt every single day of those 75 days.....

xo
barney

Pretenders

I found this when my mom died .....


" How well are you doing with your grief? "

" If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in a corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting like no one has died "


yup still rings true ....

xo
barney

44

44 days today since we talked. That we laid on your couch. You wanted to snuggle and I wouldn't the way you wanted cause I just wanted to look at your face. And I told you so. I loved looking at your face...I really did.

Today is not a good day. Last night really wasn't ........

We texted, called, talked everyday for at least 75 days in a row ..... 75 days. And now I've gone 44 without. I wonder how it will feel when the without days are more than the with ones.....

Will I be used to it by then? .......

Not a good day .....

Gentle please

I think a scab is starting to cover the wounds ....and I think it's a good thing. It's helping the rawness heal. Protecting it from more hurts. More pain. Letting it take it's time to heal, properly. You can't see it but I can feel it. I feel when I belly laugh again ( he loved when I would - would even put his hand on my belly to feel it and then tell me how much he loved that I laughed like that ). I wish I could say that I haven't had a guilt moment when I have laughed or smiled or felt like life is beautiful again. It's like we have the " conditioned" thinking that our mourning " should" be this long.... I have no freakin idea how long this will take. How many bad days I'll still have. How many good ones. I'm just trying to take it day by day still. I guess really just moment by moment.

I had a great day yesterday. Pumpkin Patch, laughing, shopping, lunch, amazing conversations that had us teary and then laughing our asses off. But I still had 2 intense anxiety moments.... one so bad that in the bathroom I had to stop myself from hyperventilating and keep talking to myself. I don't know why. I don't know where they come from. It's okay though. I got through them. I will get through it if and when it happens again.

Grief sucks. That's it. That's all. Whether it's from illness, losing your job, a breakup, a death ... It sucks. I'm choosing to fight my way through it . No effin way am I going down. I'm watching and learning from the people around me who are grieving in their own ways, from this, from their own lives that have nothing to do with my loss. I'm learning you can be the teacher and the student at the same time. I'm hoping that I'm rocking both of those roles at the moment. If not, that's okay too... I'm doing the effin best I can and that's all that I care about.

xo
barney

Comfort

I read this on a different blog  and I couldn't say it any better ....
Even though it was only 3 mths, we knew so much about the others thoughts and wants, especially the last month. So much that it wasn't unusual for us to text or call each other at the exact same time. That happened so many times.....so many times .....

and the farting - can't forget about the farting......lo

" One of the million things I miss is the comfort. The absolute comfort of knowing someone so well that you can be your complete self.
I miss knowing what he was thinking and having someone who knows what I'm thinking.
Someone who understands why I think the thoughts I think. How I came to whatever conclusion I may get to.
Someone who understands my wacked sense of humor.
Someone who thinks I'm perfect just for him.

I miss the ability to just cuddle with someone with just absolute comfortability.
Just snuggle up with them when the day is over.
Or when the day is just beginning.
The warmth of someone who just holds you on perfect days and not so perfect days.

I miss being my absolute self.
And in a funny sense, I miss being absolutely comfortable with someone that even if you fart, it's okay.
If you need to pick your nose, it's okay.
If you are just you, it's okay.
It's better than okay, it's exactly why they love you.

I miss being comfortable. "


xo
barney

Lovely......

Today is a Dan day.

Not because I'm overly sad. I'm not. It just felt like a day to wear one of his shirts. It kinda feels like a day I would wear one even if he were here, you know? And of course he'd laugh at me ( while secretly loving that I was) and smile at me with his shit-eating grin.

I don't think I've talked about his shit- eating grin. It was hilarious. And when we first started dating it never left his face. Even in the most inappropriate moments...lol yes I mean then too. I'd laugh but I'd have to say ok, you have to stop it...it's not helping. He'd laugh harder and say, I can't help it, I feel like a 15 yr old teenage boy again.

And we were like teenagers some times, most times. Huge crush right away. Smiles whenever each other's numbers would come up on our phone. We had more than one nickname for the other that we kept changing in our contact info. And they were never sweet cutesy nicknames. Wasn't our style. Lol.
At ball we'd share secret innuendoes and smiles .....we thought we were being sly but I doubt now that we were.

It was a cute old fashioned kind of love....truly. Something new for both of us because of the place we were finally in. Comfortable in our own skins. Healing from our separations. Absolute kindness and respect. The few times we argued, never were our voices raised, let alone any kind of yelling. And we  were always able to work out the issue right away (except for once but that's a different post). No grudges, no hard feelings. More so laughing after at the stupid-ness of the arguement. And of course the make up kiss and hug. It was cute because sometimes he'd feel the need to ask if he could hug me or hold my hand after an argument. It was sweet. He was sweet. We were sweet together. Like I said, old fashioned and in 2016, that is rare. What we had was rare though and we knew it. And neither of us was going to do anything to risk it....we made sure of that. With complete honesty. Trust. Communication. Respect. Affection - lots and lots of affection which wasn't hard for me....have you seen him? His face? How could I not want to smooch that and touch it and him. Jeez :)

The last picture he sent me ( which may be the last picture taken of him- I don't know) was Saturday night ( the night before it happened) and it's of course..........his shit eating grin.

I miss that shit eating grin and can't wait to see it again, donkey butt.

xo
barney

Can we forget the world?

I think the mornings have become the hardest.  It's the waking up cozy in my bed and remembering again. Remembering that he's not up, already at work waiting for me to wake so one of us can text good morning. How did you sleep ?

It's sitting quietly with no distractions yet and all my mind does is replay over and over that he's gone. There will be no texts, no calls, no seeing him yet again today. The prospect of what to do the entire day ( besides work) is daunting. To feel like I'm going to have to fight off my panic attacks and try to keep my shit together. For the whole day. And then the night. Try to think of something to do. Someone to see. To talk to instead of crawling into bed to forget the world. And knowing that this will happen every morning for awhile. For who knows how long.  Replaying like the movie Ground Hog Day.

Now in saying this, I think it is just the morning doing this to my mind. I'm still tired. It's the start of the day which used to be exciting. Fun. Knowing that you had another whole day to do what you want. And I still have that. I know it's there. I know I can slowly change my mindset by mid morning.

It's just that first waking up and being quiet that tends to overwhelm me. The stillness. The feeling of having nothing to look forward to. That's the grief. And that little shit doesn't want to let go. It wants to settle in and stay for the day. It makes me want everyday to be a Dan day and stay in bed. To close my eyes to forget. And if it weren't for the need to adult and be responsible I think I could easily give into it. However I am healthy enough to know that I can't allow myself to do that. And that its not how he or anyone would want me to be. So I get up. I put on my own clothes. Make tea. Make my sons lunch and do my job. I do what needs to get done all the while fighting off this damn overwhelming grief.

I have never been a morning person.....I am absolutely not one now. And I wish there was a magic pill that would help. Roll over, pop it into your mouth and boom everything doesn't feel so shitty, sad and overwhelming.

So ya, I'm in the stage of f*cking hating waking up and it being morning........and sometimes counting the hours until I can crawl back into bed, under the covers and forget the world.

beauty in strength

Today I did something that took so much of my inner strength and courage to do. I had to say goodbye in a certain way. I'm not ready to share what that actually was...maybe one day. I don't know....

But in the moments leading up to it, in it and after, I realized how strong I truly am. As one friend said to me " my heart kinda raced/sank at the same time and a lump in my throat- but not sure if it's a funny feeling or because I think it's brave and heartbreaking" 

But you see life is Brave and Heartbreaking. We can't get away from either. It's constantly showing us our need for bravery and courage especially in our heartbreaking moments. And we all have had them and we all will have them again. 

We all have inner strength. And it's limitless. It has no boundaries. Only you, yourself are the one who chooses to use your inner strength or not. And yes sometimes it takes all we have to use that. To push forward. To do the things that scare us the most. This today did...I put it off for quite awhile. But putting it off or away in a box, wasn't helping. It just clutters more of my heart and thus my healing. 

Letting go takes some of the most inner strength you have. Saying goodbye is painful and hurts like a mofo. I didn't want to. I still don't. I haven't fully. This was just one step. And I'm ok with that one step. I at least took it when my heart kept telling me that maybe it would be easier not to. See our heart wants to protect us. It suffers and hurts so much already, it thinks why add more pain? Sometimes though, adding that pain in the moment, lessens the overall breaking. It starts to fill in the cracks a little....remember, use the gold so that it's more beautiful than ever. It starts to help heal your tender yet strong heart. And we all need our hearts healed so they can be open to receive all the beauty and love that life brings us everyday. It truly is remarkable to be alive. To see the changes in the seasons. To know that tomorrow has so much to show us. Even in our pain. In our dark moments. If all we see is just the crack of light, then there's the beauty. Because that crack is so much bigger than we realize. Just either be incredibly brave and grab hold of the crack to widen it or just be gentle with yourself in your small steps and the light will start opening for you .

Just never stop being brave......beautifully brave so that you can see your true inner strength. You're so worth it and deserving...trust me. 

Bittersweet....

It's a time to heal and just love ..." So raise it up and toast the day we met"

Bittersweet....Zac Brown Band 

Can’t tell where the sky begins and the water ends
No clouds to hide the sun
Waves playing me a symphony upon the sand
I lay drifting on the ocean with this bottle in my hand

Sat down on the boardwalk for a little while
Your memory my company
Something about this place had a way to make you smile
You always loved this island breeze

The wind whistling across my bottle still can’t blow away the sorrow
That tomorrow you won’t be here with me
So I raise it up and toast the day we met
I won’t forget the way you love me, the amazing way you love me

It’s bittersweet, you see
You’re not here but I can feel you
Every memory is on the tip of my tongue
Close my eyes, see your face, hold on tight to yesterday
Praying when I wake, it was just a dream
It’s bittersweet

Doctor said there’s nothing we can do
Took my hand said take me home
To the only place with half a chance to take the pain away
Make me feel alive before I go

You said life is only borrowed
So let’s wash away our sorrow
That tomorrow I won’t be here with you
Go and live your life with no regrets and don’t forget how much I love you
I love you

It’s bittersweet, you see
You’re not here but I can feel you
Every memory is on the tip of my tongue
Close my eyes, see your face, hold on tight to yesterday
Praying when I wake, it was just a dream
It’s bittersweet

I brought you back just like you wanted
So you don’t ever have to leave
And when I poured you across the southern sky, I couldn’t help but to cry
I know you finally got your wings

Bitter-bittersweet
Bittersweet

The wind whistling across my bottle still can’t blow away the sorrow
That tomorrow you won’t be here with me
So raise it up and toast the day we met
I won’t forget the way you love me, the amazing way you love me
It’s bittersweet

Standing Up

So when writing or even saying your feelings and emotions, you're always going to have some people not understand what you're saying. Use their own perceptions and opinions. That's life. It's the choice you make when you decide to express yourself outside of your own journal.

I've had to realize that my words can impact others in maybe a negative way even if that was never my intention. I have chosen to try to live my life with Grace  ( hence the blog name) so I need to be more aware when expressing myself. Not necessarily so off the cuff as much as that is hard for me as I try to be as genuine and authentic as possible. Sometimes blunt might be a word to describe me which is true but again it's never to hurt anyone, be rude or unkind. It's just how I choose to be.


So I've had a few days of doubting myself. Of doubting him and I. I even had a situation happen today that made me feel that even more. I think it's good though...it's the universe's way of seeing how well you sit with yourself. How much you'll stand up for your own truth. What you and only you know. That I'm the only one who was in our relationship. I know what we talked about. Where we were and where we talked about it going. No one else.

Do I know where it really would have ended up as? No....we didn't get the chance. However I do know what our plans were. How we talked about the future and what would happen eventually. What we were working towards at the same time enjoying the hell out of the moment. And that those conversations were honest, raw and authentic.

I know our last conversation and how much it meant to both of us. One day I may share that. Right now, that's in my head and my personal journal. But it doesn't take away the truth of it.

I heard you in my thoughts this morning and no I haven't forgotten it. I won't. No matter who tries to make me doubt myself ( even my own dark moments sometimes). They don't know us. We did and do.

I feel sometimes that people think I won't move on from this. I will. I will fall in love again. However that won't change how I feel about you. That you can love someone new while still having a place in your heart for someone in your past. Love doesn't have to be inclusive. It just is. There's no limit to it.


xo
barney

That girl

5 months ago I only knew your name, that you were separated and were going through what I had. I couldn't even keep your kid's names straight, lol.

I was happy. Fairly content. Still looking for the right guy, hoping I'd find him soon - I was ready. I had my own life. I was hiking. I was taking myself out on dates. I wasn't afraid of being alone, of being single. I was rocking it.

I need to find her again. She is obviously changed from meeting you and falling in love with you but she's still there. She has to be. I can't survive without her.

So today - hopefully- is the day she pulls up her big girl panties and rocks her fucking life again. She's worth too much to disappear in grief. Fuck that. She rocked before- she's going to keep rocking now.

xo
barney

ps- I can hear you saying thatta girl.

A D-day

I'd like to say that I don't wake up every morning feeling sad.....that would be a lie. If it weren't for having to be an adult, I don't know if I'd even get out bed most morning. Some are easier than others but honestly, lately that's been rare.

I was the girlfriend who stole his clothes.....I liked wearing his t- shirts and hoodies that smelled like him. Yup, 15 years old again and it was awesome. He loved it....thought it was cute and would offer to re-wear the shirt if it stopped smelling like him.

He went away for a week with his son ( so happy this happened) and the first day he was gone I asked if I could steal another hoodie cause the one I had didn't smell anymore. I don't know if it was him or I who suggested using one of his pillows for the week but I did steal that too. His response to that was " if you were away, I'd come steal your duvet to sleep with while you were gone." Yes, my grown 41 yr old boyfriend would have wanted to sleep with my smell because he missed me that much.

So I still have the t- shirts and hoodies and on the day it happened I was able to take another one. To be honest if I could, I'd have them all. And his duvet and his pillows.

So back to the mornings.....I usually know what kind of morning it feels like within 5-10 min. Some mornings, most mornings all I want to do is wear one of those shirts ( and I usually do). I call those days, Dan days.

Today is a Dan day.......


xo
barney

My Lighthouse

I wrote yesterday that I get to witness all of the spectacular amazing things that life is going to bring me and to the kids and that you don't. I needed to get that pain out. Those thoughts out so that I can see that it's absolute bs. You are here. You will see. You are and will be here for every minute of our lives until we get to all be together again. You're the one who even said that time is an illusion. It's not linear. That we have no idea what the afterlife really is. When you were trying to calm my fears about not being in the world anymore. You looked me straight in the eyes and said " how do we not know that we just move into the next dimension and we're doing the exact same thing there as we are now? Don't worry". That's how I know, besides being able to feel you and hear you, that you aren't really gone. Physically yes....and fuck does that kill me sometimes. Trust me. However you are right here, right now, with all of us. I just need to remind myself in my dark moments.  And look at the pics/ videos on my phone to see your face, your smile and hear your incredible laugh.


After writing that out yesterday all I have felt is grateful. Lighter. A little more at peace. I made it through  last night, this morning and this afternoon not crying ( well except when I received my keychain- then I cried but they were happy tears) . I hope to not cry tonight. I know you get it and would be the same but I also know how much you hate that I am and that you are where you are and I am where I am.....where you can't hold me and let me snot bawl on you again.  Allowing myself to let my guard down and to open up to you, I know made you feel even more loved. You knew how much I trusted you with my heart and that wasn't something I do easily. You made it easy though. I thought I'd be so embarrassed and awkward the next day after you let me snot bawl all over you....I wasn't. I just fell even more in like with you in that moment. Maybe it was love by then.,,,,I don't know. I just know that I felt safe .....a safe I hadn't felt with anyone else in a very long time. You really were my warrior.....Strong. Yet soft. I could be independent and taken care of at the same time.

 I just felt safe..... All the time. Just safe.

And I still do now. That's why I love the " My Lighthouse" song. Whoever picked it for you was exactly on the mark....you are my lighthouse. You are the peace in my troubled sea. I will follow you. You will carry me safe to shore....always and forever.

xo
barney

dammit

I was lucky enough to spent a few hours with the girls and my son last night......it was a lot of fun. However I think that's where the unfair feeling and being so pissed off came from. It's a two sided sword for me. I always want to be in their lives and be a part of it but at the same time, it hurts, it fucking hurts. I see what our life would have been like. Our kids interacting, bonding....eventually becoming friends and maybe looking at each other as family. And f*ck, it's not going to happen the way I want it to. He's missing from that beautiful futuristic picture.

We talked a lot about him. What they had done with him over the years. It was so cool to hear. I get to learn about him from their point of view. It does make me feel more connected to him and to them . And then there is the other side. The one that realizes how much I didn't get to learn about him. The sides I didn't get to see. That I will never get to see.

I will never slow dance with him or crazy jump up and down dance. We didn't " party " together and get silly. We won't be skiing together like we planned. Or go to Cuba and chill for the week.  I'll never hear him say the words I love you even though he told me he wanted to say them but like me was afraid. Once again I'll be spending Christmas alone....we were both so looking forward to it.

I didn't get to see his " Marty" side. The larger than life him. What his fave pie was because he wasn't eating food like that because he wanted to stay in shape. I don't get to get good enough for us to run again together.

We won't share his children's and mine's future plans... Their graduations. Their weddings. Their babies. Their lives. I get to witness it all.....without him . And they will have to do the same which is truly the saddest part of this. 5 kids......his 3 and my 2 don't get to see how proud he will be when they accomplish great things in their life. Have his advice. Make his dumb jokes that I couldn't stop laughing from. The amazing way he is with little kids. So effin much.

There are so many things I know about him. So many personal things I know he felt about the past 3 months. His dreams, his hopes. What he wanted for the future which included us. But there are so many things I miss out on every day and it f*cking kills me. I find myself grasping for any pieces and bits of him. And no matter how much I learn, how much I laugh at the stories, I just feel empty. And sometimes so incredibly fucking sad.

I know, I truly do, that he is here with us. All the time. As he even said, I'm just in the next dimension ....it just doesn't feel the same. Not at this point. It just doesn't.

xo
barney

Limbo maybe?

So I'm not in a good place ......
I'm not incredibly sad but I'm not happy either.
I describe my days as good and bad.

I've been needing the anxiety meds a bit more and I don't care. There is nothing wrong with helping my brain shut the f*ck up and it doesn't always do as it's told. No matter how many rocks in my pockets. How much I meditate. How much I try think positively. How I hear him in my head and notice the signs. Right now I'm just f*cking exhausted mentally with trying to stop the noise. The dumbass thoughts. The sadness that tries to settle in for the day. The thinking to myself even some times....jeez get over it - it was only 3 mths. The constant battle my thoughts are having and messing with my head and my heart.

Right now all I feel ... It's just not fucking fair. We would have made a fantastic family ... The 7 of us. So much fun. The kind of blended family everyone should be. Fuck fuckity fuck. I'd say sorry for the fucks but at the moment, I'm not. I'm just not .....

xo
barney

Just Listen

Missing him sometimes feels so unbearable that I truly cannot breathe and my anxiety comes back full force. In those moments sometimes I choose to lay on my bed and just cry. Not move. Barely breathe. Just cry. Stare at the walls. Hug the pillows he bought me ( yes he was that kind of bf who bought me pillows because he hated mine and wanted me to be more comfortable).

Other times I go for a drive. Today was one of those days that I needed a walk. So I went. For the  first time to where we used to walk all the time. Our last walk was in this place and I hadn't been back since. Yes, I cried all the way up the trail until I found a spot that had shade. That I could see the trees. The mountains. I sat down. I took a picture. I took a picture of monkey there. I listened to my music and I just sat. Two women ( a mom and her daughter, I'm pretty sure) came by with their cagillion dogs. But one beautiful black dog wouldn't leave me alone. He sat with me while I petted him. He even put his head right across my lap and wouldn't leave when his owner called him. His name was Jake. .......sign # 1.

I sat some more. Listening to my music. Talking to him. Looking at the clouds. The trees. I felt him there the whole time. But I still needed more signs. So I asked him to play one of our songs on my phone.....

He not only played one.....but 3 of my favourites. .....3 in a row ... ( I had it on shuffle)

I thanked him and went home feeling more peaceful than I had in awhile.

But he needed to prove more to me.

I went downstairs to do laundry. I had turned off my music and when I came back up my phone had an app on it that told me :

" Right now, it would take you 12 minutes to drive to ............"

Which was where he lived and where I had just come back from my walk.

And not 2 minutes later a knock on my window,  followed by a knock on my door. The girls....his girls and a friend came into the house from up the street. They stayed for about an hour and half.....

.......I know you're always with me and them....I just need to listen more .

Thank you .....miss you. Love you

xo
barney

Labels

When you're in the middle of grief, or a crisis or a trauma, it's so easy to define yourself broken, or cracked or shattered or damaged. Or have others do it for you.  As a society we are so quick to label. Is that to help us understand choices, decisions and behaviours from that suggested " broken" person? Does labelling make us feel more in control? More sure of ourselves? And does it comes from a place of ego " I'm not broken like that ...that must make me a better person" Or does it also allow us to justify someone's behaviour? " Oh he is damaged from his past, that's why he emotionally unavailable. I know he loves me but he's too broken" ......

Those kinds of scenarios happen over and over. And in my experience, women are more known to use these labels to accept someone else's behaviour especially if it's towards them.

I'm sorry but I'm tired of the words " broken or damaged" . None of us are either of those. 

We're in pain and hurting .....from whatever has happened to you. That's what needs to be healed instead of labelled.

Broken implies needing to be fixed- like there is something wrong with who you are 

Damaged is a victim word- that you are somehow defective.

None of those are true. When you realize that about yourself, then the healing can begin. And you won't keep making choices and decisions from the place of hurt and pain.

The one way ( finally) that I healed a childhood wound, that I had made many of my adult choices and decisions from, was my spiritual classes. I learned about my inner child and how I could heal her. My hurt inner child is around 8... the time my parents separated. She quickly learned the feeling of abandonment, whether that was true or not  - it wasn't. But from an 8 yr olds view, her dad left her and that feeling was very scary, very personal and she suddenly had to control everything else around her that she could. Which wasn't much. The fear of not being good enough, having to be perfect...be a certain way so you wouldn't be left again, stayed with me until this last March. It definitely played a role in my behaviours when my marriage first broke up.....but that's for a different post. 

So now even in the middle of grief and sadness, I know I'm not broken nor damaged. I'm just in pain. And I'm absolutely allowed to be. 

And when I recognize it in someone else, I try to look at them with compassion instead of judgement even in the moments they are judging me....actually even more so in the moments that they are because I know where it's coming from. That hurt and sometimes unbearable pain inside. 

So if it's someone close to me, I try to hold them, or touch them somehow,  let them know I'm there. That even in that place, they are loveable, good enough. That they aren't " Broken" or " Damaged" ....they're just human. And as humans we feel and we hurt. And sometimes we make the wrong choices. Say the wrong things. Keep hurting ourselves and others. However there is the next minute. The next moment. The next hour. Even the next day to start healing and soothing our hurt. 

So my goal.....soften each other's pain, one step at a time. One hand on someone's back. One kind word. One hug. Just be in that space of pain with them ( just don't let them take advantage of your kindness). Sometimes you don't need to say anything....just be. 

Just be.....

xo 

barney 

24 days.....

3 1/2 weeks .....24 days since we talked. No goodbye. No see ya later sweet cheeks. One moment you were here and the next you were gone. How in the f*ck did that happen??

A little back story feels like it may be needed.

I'm 46. Mother of 2 - one grown up daughter (21) and one almost grown son (17). I'm currently going through a divorce from an 18 yr relationship. That devastation took me over 2 years to muddle and finally get through. My rock - my amazing mother died from Lung cancer 14 years ago followed by my stepdad 4 years later. So yeah, shit has happened. Life has happened. I've heard the " what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger" bullshit line for years....btw people, no one grieving, in crisis, in trauma ever fucking wants to hear that. You need to use a cliche or a quote to express yourself....do them a favour....just don't say anything at all. Trust me on this. Especially " when one door closes, another opens"- seriously! What the f*ck? Really? It does not make anyone feel better....

Over the past year, I found my tribe. My spirituality. My gifts. My magic. I worked my ass off to heal from my childhood wounds and the break up of my marriage. I finally soothed my inner child and became the adult I was pretending to be all these years. I was happy. Content. Had my life by the balls. And then I met the " guy" ....the one I had been looking for and wanting my whole adult life ( without even knowing what I really wanted) .

One day I didn't know him and the next he was mine and I was his.....yes I realize how cliche that sounds. How fairytale bs it sounds like. Trust me, he even questioned it. But it was real. It was that easy. That good. That freaking healthy. Respectful. Fun. Sexy. Hot AF.

3 amazing months. Non stop texting or calling ...sometimes up to 10 times in a day. Other than about 13 days, we saw each other everyday in those 3 months. Best friends. Best friends who found each each sexy AF and couldn't get enough of the other. Affection. Hand holding. Always touching. Laughing. Goofy silly conversations or incredibly deep emotional raw honest ones . Love. Yup, love. Real authentic genuine love. Hadn't been actually spoken with those 3 little words. But we knew. Just by the look in our eyes. By our actions. We knew. And we knew it would last . Finally......

And then 3 1/2 weeks ago. 24 days.....he went for a day motorcycle trip with a best friend and he never came home. He was killed when somehow he didn't make the corner. Crossed the yellow line into a SUV.  One small instant minute, even second. His life. My life. His kids lives. Everyone around us, lives changed. And trust me folks...it hasn't been for the better. I can promise you that.

I won't only be writing about his death though. My life has so much variety in it. Him. My marriage. My childhood. My friends. My kids. My spirituality and gifts. My career. ....My Life.
I feel there's so much to say. Maybe sometimes too much but you know what? That's ok. There are no rules. No limits. No right. No wrong. There just is. And there is healing needed. So much healing. Not just for me....maybe you too. Let's just take this crazy, confused, sometimes fucked up ride together and see where it ends up.

" IT'S THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION THAT MATTERS"

( yup I just used the cheesiest of quotes....suck it up buttercup 😛)

xo
barney