Labels

When you're in the middle of grief, or a crisis or a trauma, it's so easy to define yourself broken, or cracked or shattered or damaged. Or have others do it for you.  As a society we are so quick to label. Is that to help us understand choices, decisions and behaviours from that suggested " broken" person? Does labelling make us feel more in control? More sure of ourselves? And does it comes from a place of ego " I'm not broken like that ...that must make me a better person" Or does it also allow us to justify someone's behaviour? " Oh he is damaged from his past, that's why he emotionally unavailable. I know he loves me but he's too broken" ......

Those kinds of scenarios happen over and over. And in my experience, women are more known to use these labels to accept someone else's behaviour especially if it's towards them.

I'm sorry but I'm tired of the words " broken or damaged" . None of us are either of those. 

We're in pain and hurting .....from whatever has happened to you. That's what needs to be healed instead of labelled.

Broken implies needing to be fixed- like there is something wrong with who you are 

Damaged is a victim word- that you are somehow defective.

None of those are true. When you realize that about yourself, then the healing can begin. And you won't keep making choices and decisions from the place of hurt and pain.

The one way ( finally) that I healed a childhood wound, that I had made many of my adult choices and decisions from, was my spiritual classes. I learned about my inner child and how I could heal her. My hurt inner child is around 8... the time my parents separated. She quickly learned the feeling of abandonment, whether that was true or not  - it wasn't. But from an 8 yr olds view, her dad left her and that feeling was very scary, very personal and she suddenly had to control everything else around her that she could. Which wasn't much. The fear of not being good enough, having to be perfect...be a certain way so you wouldn't be left again, stayed with me until this last March. It definitely played a role in my behaviours when my marriage first broke up.....but that's for a different post. 

So now even in the middle of grief and sadness, I know I'm not broken nor damaged. I'm just in pain. And I'm absolutely allowed to be. 

And when I recognize it in someone else, I try to look at them with compassion instead of judgement even in the moments they are judging me....actually even more so in the moments that they are because I know where it's coming from. That hurt and sometimes unbearable pain inside. 

So if it's someone close to me, I try to hold them, or touch them somehow,  let them know I'm there. That even in that place, they are loveable, good enough. That they aren't " Broken" or " Damaged" ....they're just human. And as humans we feel and we hurt. And sometimes we make the wrong choices. Say the wrong things. Keep hurting ourselves and others. However there is the next minute. The next moment. The next hour. Even the next day to start healing and soothing our hurt. 

So my goal.....soften each other's pain, one step at a time. One hand on someone's back. One kind word. One hug. Just be in that space of pain with them ( just don't let them take advantage of your kindness). Sometimes you don't need to say anything....just be. 

Just be.....

xo 

barney