Being still

I saw a grief counsellor last night. It was the first time I ever had the courage. With all of my other losses, I was afraid of going. Afraid it would open a flood gate of pain and tears that I wouldn't be able to stop. Keeping it all locked behind that concrete door felt easier and to be honest, it actually is sometimes. Except we all know, it's not healthy. It builds up. Has nowhere to go. Festers. Thrives inside of you and eats away at all the good.

She helped me see that I need to " nurture" my grief. Nurture all of my feelings. Like we do our children and the others we love. Hold the grief and soothe it. Honour it. Sit with it. Validate it.

The thing is though....just sitting with it is hard. It's fucking scary. I've been doing it all morning and it's not easy. I think it may be one of the hardest things I'll do for myself. I'm used to taking control.
" Doing" something. How do you just sit? Be still? Let your body feel all the feels, feeling like your shaking from the inside out ? It feels weak. It feels so scary. So out of control. And I'm not good with out of control. Control makes me feel safe. A false sense of safety, yet it's still a feeling of safety.

So for today, for the moment, I'm sitting gently holding my screaming grief and just sitting. Just being.

But dammit, it's fucking hard....just sayin'

xo
barney

I've never liked rollercoasters

This rollercoaster ride fucking sucks. Today is absolutely a Dan day. A shitty, I could crawl back into bed and not get out day. And I have no idea why.

I just want to put on his shirt, pull up the covers and sleep the day away, in hopes that when I wake up again, I don't feel like my whole soul is aching, like it does at the moment. It's not anxiety. It's pure sadness. Plain sad. Aching. The feeling that nothing will take it away. No anxiety meds. No numbing with alcohol. No magic pill. Just him. That's what would take it away.....him. And no amount of talking to him out loud, in my head, in my journal is taking it away. It's actually making it worse because it makes it feel even more real.

It's not a lonely feeling either. It's just a deep, so deep missing him. His voice. His smile. The sparkle in his eyes when he was happy and/or being goofy. The " hey" when he saw you. Just him.

Fuck. That's it. Fuck.

difference in a day

45 days....

But this is to show how one day can be different. I don't know if it's because I knew you were in my dreams - I don't remember seeing you but I do remember feeling you. 45 days since we talked and you know what hon? I've done it. Not always in the way I would have liked. It's been hard. It will be hard again. And then they'll be days like today again where I don't wake up sad. Oh I still miss you but damn boy, missing you doesn't change anything. It just makes my day/night shitty. And right now I'm so incredibly tired of the shitty.

I miss you. I so wish I was texting you right now instead of writing this ....wherever you are, remember how much you mean to me and how incredibly happy and grateful I felt every single day of those 75 days.....

xo
barney

Pretenders

I found this when my mom died .....


" How well are you doing with your grief? "

" If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in a corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting like no one has died "


yup still rings true ....

xo
barney

44

44 days today since we talked. That we laid on your couch. You wanted to snuggle and I wouldn't the way you wanted cause I just wanted to look at your face. And I told you so. I loved looking at your face...I really did.

Today is not a good day. Last night really wasn't ........

We texted, called, talked everyday for at least 75 days in a row ..... 75 days. And now I've gone 44 without. I wonder how it will feel when the without days are more than the with ones.....

Will I be used to it by then? .......

Not a good day .....

Gentle please

I think a scab is starting to cover the wounds ....and I think it's a good thing. It's helping the rawness heal. Protecting it from more hurts. More pain. Letting it take it's time to heal, properly. You can't see it but I can feel it. I feel when I belly laugh again ( he loved when I would - would even put his hand on my belly to feel it and then tell me how much he loved that I laughed like that ). I wish I could say that I haven't had a guilt moment when I have laughed or smiled or felt like life is beautiful again. It's like we have the " conditioned" thinking that our mourning " should" be this long.... I have no freakin idea how long this will take. How many bad days I'll still have. How many good ones. I'm just trying to take it day by day still. I guess really just moment by moment.

I had a great day yesterday. Pumpkin Patch, laughing, shopping, lunch, amazing conversations that had us teary and then laughing our asses off. But I still had 2 intense anxiety moments.... one so bad that in the bathroom I had to stop myself from hyperventilating and keep talking to myself. I don't know why. I don't know where they come from. It's okay though. I got through them. I will get through it if and when it happens again.

Grief sucks. That's it. That's all. Whether it's from illness, losing your job, a breakup, a death ... It sucks. I'm choosing to fight my way through it . No effin way am I going down. I'm watching and learning from the people around me who are grieving in their own ways, from this, from their own lives that have nothing to do with my loss. I'm learning you can be the teacher and the student at the same time. I'm hoping that I'm rocking both of those roles at the moment. If not, that's okay too... I'm doing the effin best I can and that's all that I care about.

xo
barney

Comfort

I read this on a different blog  and I couldn't say it any better ....
Even though it was only 3 mths, we knew so much about the others thoughts and wants, especially the last month. So much that it wasn't unusual for us to text or call each other at the exact same time. That happened so many times.....so many times .....

and the farting - can't forget about the farting......lo

" One of the million things I miss is the comfort. The absolute comfort of knowing someone so well that you can be your complete self.
I miss knowing what he was thinking and having someone who knows what I'm thinking.
Someone who understands why I think the thoughts I think. How I came to whatever conclusion I may get to.
Someone who understands my wacked sense of humor.
Someone who thinks I'm perfect just for him.

I miss the ability to just cuddle with someone with just absolute comfortability.
Just snuggle up with them when the day is over.
Or when the day is just beginning.
The warmth of someone who just holds you on perfect days and not so perfect days.

I miss being my absolute self.
And in a funny sense, I miss being absolutely comfortable with someone that even if you fart, it's okay.
If you need to pick your nose, it's okay.
If you are just you, it's okay.
It's better than okay, it's exactly why they love you.

I miss being comfortable. "


xo
barney

Lovely......

Today is a Dan day.

Not because I'm overly sad. I'm not. It just felt like a day to wear one of his shirts. It kinda feels like a day I would wear one even if he were here, you know? And of course he'd laugh at me ( while secretly loving that I was) and smile at me with his shit-eating grin.

I don't think I've talked about his shit- eating grin. It was hilarious. And when we first started dating it never left his face. Even in the most inappropriate moments...lol yes I mean then too. I'd laugh but I'd have to say ok, you have to stop it...it's not helping. He'd laugh harder and say, I can't help it, I feel like a 15 yr old teenage boy again.

And we were like teenagers some times, most times. Huge crush right away. Smiles whenever each other's numbers would come up on our phone. We had more than one nickname for the other that we kept changing in our contact info. And they were never sweet cutesy nicknames. Wasn't our style. Lol.
At ball we'd share secret innuendoes and smiles .....we thought we were being sly but I doubt now that we were.

It was a cute old fashioned kind of love....truly. Something new for both of us because of the place we were finally in. Comfortable in our own skins. Healing from our separations. Absolute kindness and respect. The few times we argued, never were our voices raised, let alone any kind of yelling. And we  were always able to work out the issue right away (except for once but that's a different post). No grudges, no hard feelings. More so laughing after at the stupid-ness of the arguement. And of course the make up kiss and hug. It was cute because sometimes he'd feel the need to ask if he could hug me or hold my hand after an argument. It was sweet. He was sweet. We were sweet together. Like I said, old fashioned and in 2016, that is rare. What we had was rare though and we knew it. And neither of us was going to do anything to risk it....we made sure of that. With complete honesty. Trust. Communication. Respect. Affection - lots and lots of affection which wasn't hard for me....have you seen him? His face? How could I not want to smooch that and touch it and him. Jeez :)

The last picture he sent me ( which may be the last picture taken of him- I don't know) was Saturday night ( the night before it happened) and it's of course..........his shit eating grin.

I miss that shit eating grin and can't wait to see it again, donkey butt.

xo
barney

Can we forget the world?

I think the mornings have become the hardest.  It's the waking up cozy in my bed and remembering again. Remembering that he's not up, already at work waiting for me to wake so one of us can text good morning. How did you sleep ?

It's sitting quietly with no distractions yet and all my mind does is replay over and over that he's gone. There will be no texts, no calls, no seeing him yet again today. The prospect of what to do the entire day ( besides work) is daunting. To feel like I'm going to have to fight off my panic attacks and try to keep my shit together. For the whole day. And then the night. Try to think of something to do. Someone to see. To talk to instead of crawling into bed to forget the world. And knowing that this will happen every morning for awhile. For who knows how long.  Replaying like the movie Ground Hog Day.

Now in saying this, I think it is just the morning doing this to my mind. I'm still tired. It's the start of the day which used to be exciting. Fun. Knowing that you had another whole day to do what you want. And I still have that. I know it's there. I know I can slowly change my mindset by mid morning.

It's just that first waking up and being quiet that tends to overwhelm me. The stillness. The feeling of having nothing to look forward to. That's the grief. And that little shit doesn't want to let go. It wants to settle in and stay for the day. It makes me want everyday to be a Dan day and stay in bed. To close my eyes to forget. And if it weren't for the need to adult and be responsible I think I could easily give into it. However I am healthy enough to know that I can't allow myself to do that. And that its not how he or anyone would want me to be. So I get up. I put on my own clothes. Make tea. Make my sons lunch and do my job. I do what needs to get done all the while fighting off this damn overwhelming grief.

I have never been a morning person.....I am absolutely not one now. And I wish there was a magic pill that would help. Roll over, pop it into your mouth and boom everything doesn't feel so shitty, sad and overwhelming.

So ya, I'm in the stage of f*cking hating waking up and it being morning........and sometimes counting the hours until I can crawl back into bed, under the covers and forget the world.

beauty in strength

Today I did something that took so much of my inner strength and courage to do. I had to say goodbye in a certain way. I'm not ready to share what that actually was...maybe one day. I don't know....

But in the moments leading up to it, in it and after, I realized how strong I truly am. As one friend said to me " my heart kinda raced/sank at the same time and a lump in my throat- but not sure if it's a funny feeling or because I think it's brave and heartbreaking" 

But you see life is Brave and Heartbreaking. We can't get away from either. It's constantly showing us our need for bravery and courage especially in our heartbreaking moments. And we all have had them and we all will have them again. 

We all have inner strength. And it's limitless. It has no boundaries. Only you, yourself are the one who chooses to use your inner strength or not. And yes sometimes it takes all we have to use that. To push forward. To do the things that scare us the most. This today did...I put it off for quite awhile. But putting it off or away in a box, wasn't helping. It just clutters more of my heart and thus my healing. 

Letting go takes some of the most inner strength you have. Saying goodbye is painful and hurts like a mofo. I didn't want to. I still don't. I haven't fully. This was just one step. And I'm ok with that one step. I at least took it when my heart kept telling me that maybe it would be easier not to. See our heart wants to protect us. It suffers and hurts so much already, it thinks why add more pain? Sometimes though, adding that pain in the moment, lessens the overall breaking. It starts to fill in the cracks a little....remember, use the gold so that it's more beautiful than ever. It starts to help heal your tender yet strong heart. And we all need our hearts healed so they can be open to receive all the beauty and love that life brings us everyday. It truly is remarkable to be alive. To see the changes in the seasons. To know that tomorrow has so much to show us. Even in our pain. In our dark moments. If all we see is just the crack of light, then there's the beauty. Because that crack is so much bigger than we realize. Just either be incredibly brave and grab hold of the crack to widen it or just be gentle with yourself in your small steps and the light will start opening for you .

Just never stop being brave......beautifully brave so that you can see your true inner strength. You're so worth it and deserving...trust me. 

Bittersweet....

It's a time to heal and just love ..." So raise it up and toast the day we met"

Bittersweet....Zac Brown Band 

Can’t tell where the sky begins and the water ends
No clouds to hide the sun
Waves playing me a symphony upon the sand
I lay drifting on the ocean with this bottle in my hand

Sat down on the boardwalk for a little while
Your memory my company
Something about this place had a way to make you smile
You always loved this island breeze

The wind whistling across my bottle still can’t blow away the sorrow
That tomorrow you won’t be here with me
So I raise it up and toast the day we met
I won’t forget the way you love me, the amazing way you love me

It’s bittersweet, you see
You’re not here but I can feel you
Every memory is on the tip of my tongue
Close my eyes, see your face, hold on tight to yesterday
Praying when I wake, it was just a dream
It’s bittersweet

Doctor said there’s nothing we can do
Took my hand said take me home
To the only place with half a chance to take the pain away
Make me feel alive before I go

You said life is only borrowed
So let’s wash away our sorrow
That tomorrow I won’t be here with you
Go and live your life with no regrets and don’t forget how much I love you
I love you

It’s bittersweet, you see
You’re not here but I can feel you
Every memory is on the tip of my tongue
Close my eyes, see your face, hold on tight to yesterday
Praying when I wake, it was just a dream
It’s bittersweet

I brought you back just like you wanted
So you don’t ever have to leave
And when I poured you across the southern sky, I couldn’t help but to cry
I know you finally got your wings

Bitter-bittersweet
Bittersweet

The wind whistling across my bottle still can’t blow away the sorrow
That tomorrow you won’t be here with me
So raise it up and toast the day we met
I won’t forget the way you love me, the amazing way you love me
It’s bittersweet

Standing Up

So when writing or even saying your feelings and emotions, you're always going to have some people not understand what you're saying. Use their own perceptions and opinions. That's life. It's the choice you make when you decide to express yourself outside of your own journal.

I've had to realize that my words can impact others in maybe a negative way even if that was never my intention. I have chosen to try to live my life with Grace  ( hence the blog name) so I need to be more aware when expressing myself. Not necessarily so off the cuff as much as that is hard for me as I try to be as genuine and authentic as possible. Sometimes blunt might be a word to describe me which is true but again it's never to hurt anyone, be rude or unkind. It's just how I choose to be.


So I've had a few days of doubting myself. Of doubting him and I. I even had a situation happen today that made me feel that even more. I think it's good though...it's the universe's way of seeing how well you sit with yourself. How much you'll stand up for your own truth. What you and only you know. That I'm the only one who was in our relationship. I know what we talked about. Where we were and where we talked about it going. No one else.

Do I know where it really would have ended up as? No....we didn't get the chance. However I do know what our plans were. How we talked about the future and what would happen eventually. What we were working towards at the same time enjoying the hell out of the moment. And that those conversations were honest, raw and authentic.

I know our last conversation and how much it meant to both of us. One day I may share that. Right now, that's in my head and my personal journal. But it doesn't take away the truth of it.

I heard you in my thoughts this morning and no I haven't forgotten it. I won't. No matter who tries to make me doubt myself ( even my own dark moments sometimes). They don't know us. We did and do.

I feel sometimes that people think I won't move on from this. I will. I will fall in love again. However that won't change how I feel about you. That you can love someone new while still having a place in your heart for someone in your past. Love doesn't have to be inclusive. It just is. There's no limit to it.


xo
barney

That girl

5 months ago I only knew your name, that you were separated and were going through what I had. I couldn't even keep your kid's names straight, lol.

I was happy. Fairly content. Still looking for the right guy, hoping I'd find him soon - I was ready. I had my own life. I was hiking. I was taking myself out on dates. I wasn't afraid of being alone, of being single. I was rocking it.

I need to find her again. She is obviously changed from meeting you and falling in love with you but she's still there. She has to be. I can't survive without her.

So today - hopefully- is the day she pulls up her big girl panties and rocks her fucking life again. She's worth too much to disappear in grief. Fuck that. She rocked before- she's going to keep rocking now.

xo
barney

ps- I can hear you saying thatta girl.

A D-day

I'd like to say that I don't wake up every morning feeling sad.....that would be a lie. If it weren't for having to be an adult, I don't know if I'd even get out bed most morning. Some are easier than others but honestly, lately that's been rare.

I was the girlfriend who stole his clothes.....I liked wearing his t- shirts and hoodies that smelled like him. Yup, 15 years old again and it was awesome. He loved it....thought it was cute and would offer to re-wear the shirt if it stopped smelling like him.

He went away for a week with his son ( so happy this happened) and the first day he was gone I asked if I could steal another hoodie cause the one I had didn't smell anymore. I don't know if it was him or I who suggested using one of his pillows for the week but I did steal that too. His response to that was " if you were away, I'd come steal your duvet to sleep with while you were gone." Yes, my grown 41 yr old boyfriend would have wanted to sleep with my smell because he missed me that much.

So I still have the t- shirts and hoodies and on the day it happened I was able to take another one. To be honest if I could, I'd have them all. And his duvet and his pillows.

So back to the mornings.....I usually know what kind of morning it feels like within 5-10 min. Some mornings, most mornings all I want to do is wear one of those shirts ( and I usually do). I call those days, Dan days.

Today is a Dan day.......


xo
barney

My Lighthouse

I wrote yesterday that I get to witness all of the spectacular amazing things that life is going to bring me and to the kids and that you don't. I needed to get that pain out. Those thoughts out so that I can see that it's absolute bs. You are here. You will see. You are and will be here for every minute of our lives until we get to all be together again. You're the one who even said that time is an illusion. It's not linear. That we have no idea what the afterlife really is. When you were trying to calm my fears about not being in the world anymore. You looked me straight in the eyes and said " how do we not know that we just move into the next dimension and we're doing the exact same thing there as we are now? Don't worry". That's how I know, besides being able to feel you and hear you, that you aren't really gone. Physically yes....and fuck does that kill me sometimes. Trust me. However you are right here, right now, with all of us. I just need to remind myself in my dark moments.  And look at the pics/ videos on my phone to see your face, your smile and hear your incredible laugh.


After writing that out yesterday all I have felt is grateful. Lighter. A little more at peace. I made it through  last night, this morning and this afternoon not crying ( well except when I received my keychain- then I cried but they were happy tears) . I hope to not cry tonight. I know you get it and would be the same but I also know how much you hate that I am and that you are where you are and I am where I am.....where you can't hold me and let me snot bawl on you again.  Allowing myself to let my guard down and to open up to you, I know made you feel even more loved. You knew how much I trusted you with my heart and that wasn't something I do easily. You made it easy though. I thought I'd be so embarrassed and awkward the next day after you let me snot bawl all over you....I wasn't. I just fell even more in like with you in that moment. Maybe it was love by then.,,,,I don't know. I just know that I felt safe .....a safe I hadn't felt with anyone else in a very long time. You really were my warrior.....Strong. Yet soft. I could be independent and taken care of at the same time.

 I just felt safe..... All the time. Just safe.

And I still do now. That's why I love the " My Lighthouse" song. Whoever picked it for you was exactly on the mark....you are my lighthouse. You are the peace in my troubled sea. I will follow you. You will carry me safe to shore....always and forever.

xo
barney

dammit

I was lucky enough to spent a few hours with the girls and my son last night......it was a lot of fun. However I think that's where the unfair feeling and being so pissed off came from. It's a two sided sword for me. I always want to be in their lives and be a part of it but at the same time, it hurts, it fucking hurts. I see what our life would have been like. Our kids interacting, bonding....eventually becoming friends and maybe looking at each other as family. And f*ck, it's not going to happen the way I want it to. He's missing from that beautiful futuristic picture.

We talked a lot about him. What they had done with him over the years. It was so cool to hear. I get to learn about him from their point of view. It does make me feel more connected to him and to them . And then there is the other side. The one that realizes how much I didn't get to learn about him. The sides I didn't get to see. That I will never get to see.

I will never slow dance with him or crazy jump up and down dance. We didn't " party " together and get silly. We won't be skiing together like we planned. Or go to Cuba and chill for the week.  I'll never hear him say the words I love you even though he told me he wanted to say them but like me was afraid. Once again I'll be spending Christmas alone....we were both so looking forward to it.

I didn't get to see his " Marty" side. The larger than life him. What his fave pie was because he wasn't eating food like that because he wanted to stay in shape. I don't get to get good enough for us to run again together.

We won't share his children's and mine's future plans... Their graduations. Their weddings. Their babies. Their lives. I get to witness it all.....without him . And they will have to do the same which is truly the saddest part of this. 5 kids......his 3 and my 2 don't get to see how proud he will be when they accomplish great things in their life. Have his advice. Make his dumb jokes that I couldn't stop laughing from. The amazing way he is with little kids. So effin much.

There are so many things I know about him. So many personal things I know he felt about the past 3 months. His dreams, his hopes. What he wanted for the future which included us. But there are so many things I miss out on every day and it f*cking kills me. I find myself grasping for any pieces and bits of him. And no matter how much I learn, how much I laugh at the stories, I just feel empty. And sometimes so incredibly fucking sad.

I know, I truly do, that he is here with us. All the time. As he even said, I'm just in the next dimension ....it just doesn't feel the same. Not at this point. It just doesn't.

xo
barney

Limbo maybe?

So I'm not in a good place ......
I'm not incredibly sad but I'm not happy either.
I describe my days as good and bad.

I've been needing the anxiety meds a bit more and I don't care. There is nothing wrong with helping my brain shut the f*ck up and it doesn't always do as it's told. No matter how many rocks in my pockets. How much I meditate. How much I try think positively. How I hear him in my head and notice the signs. Right now I'm just f*cking exhausted mentally with trying to stop the noise. The dumbass thoughts. The sadness that tries to settle in for the day. The thinking to myself even some times....jeez get over it - it was only 3 mths. The constant battle my thoughts are having and messing with my head and my heart.

Right now all I feel ... It's just not fucking fair. We would have made a fantastic family ... The 7 of us. So much fun. The kind of blended family everyone should be. Fuck fuckity fuck. I'd say sorry for the fucks but at the moment, I'm not. I'm just not .....

xo
barney

Just Listen

Missing him sometimes feels so unbearable that I truly cannot breathe and my anxiety comes back full force. In those moments sometimes I choose to lay on my bed and just cry. Not move. Barely breathe. Just cry. Stare at the walls. Hug the pillows he bought me ( yes he was that kind of bf who bought me pillows because he hated mine and wanted me to be more comfortable).

Other times I go for a drive. Today was one of those days that I needed a walk. So I went. For the  first time to where we used to walk all the time. Our last walk was in this place and I hadn't been back since. Yes, I cried all the way up the trail until I found a spot that had shade. That I could see the trees. The mountains. I sat down. I took a picture. I took a picture of monkey there. I listened to my music and I just sat. Two women ( a mom and her daughter, I'm pretty sure) came by with their cagillion dogs. But one beautiful black dog wouldn't leave me alone. He sat with me while I petted him. He even put his head right across my lap and wouldn't leave when his owner called him. His name was Jake. .......sign # 1.

I sat some more. Listening to my music. Talking to him. Looking at the clouds. The trees. I felt him there the whole time. But I still needed more signs. So I asked him to play one of our songs on my phone.....

He not only played one.....but 3 of my favourites. .....3 in a row ... ( I had it on shuffle)

I thanked him and went home feeling more peaceful than I had in awhile.

But he needed to prove more to me.

I went downstairs to do laundry. I had turned off my music and when I came back up my phone had an app on it that told me :

" Right now, it would take you 12 minutes to drive to ............"

Which was where he lived and where I had just come back from my walk.

And not 2 minutes later a knock on my window,  followed by a knock on my door. The girls....his girls and a friend came into the house from up the street. They stayed for about an hour and half.....

.......I know you're always with me and them....I just need to listen more .

Thank you .....miss you. Love you

xo
barney

Labels

When you're in the middle of grief, or a crisis or a trauma, it's so easy to define yourself broken, or cracked or shattered or damaged. Or have others do it for you.  As a society we are so quick to label. Is that to help us understand choices, decisions and behaviours from that suggested " broken" person? Does labelling make us feel more in control? More sure of ourselves? And does it comes from a place of ego " I'm not broken like that ...that must make me a better person" Or does it also allow us to justify someone's behaviour? " Oh he is damaged from his past, that's why he emotionally unavailable. I know he loves me but he's too broken" ......

Those kinds of scenarios happen over and over. And in my experience, women are more known to use these labels to accept someone else's behaviour especially if it's towards them.

I'm sorry but I'm tired of the words " broken or damaged" . None of us are either of those. 

We're in pain and hurting .....from whatever has happened to you. That's what needs to be healed instead of labelled.

Broken implies needing to be fixed- like there is something wrong with who you are 

Damaged is a victim word- that you are somehow defective.

None of those are true. When you realize that about yourself, then the healing can begin. And you won't keep making choices and decisions from the place of hurt and pain.

The one way ( finally) that I healed a childhood wound, that I had made many of my adult choices and decisions from, was my spiritual classes. I learned about my inner child and how I could heal her. My hurt inner child is around 8... the time my parents separated. She quickly learned the feeling of abandonment, whether that was true or not  - it wasn't. But from an 8 yr olds view, her dad left her and that feeling was very scary, very personal and she suddenly had to control everything else around her that she could. Which wasn't much. The fear of not being good enough, having to be perfect...be a certain way so you wouldn't be left again, stayed with me until this last March. It definitely played a role in my behaviours when my marriage first broke up.....but that's for a different post. 

So now even in the middle of grief and sadness, I know I'm not broken nor damaged. I'm just in pain. And I'm absolutely allowed to be. 

And when I recognize it in someone else, I try to look at them with compassion instead of judgement even in the moments they are judging me....actually even more so in the moments that they are because I know where it's coming from. That hurt and sometimes unbearable pain inside. 

So if it's someone close to me, I try to hold them, or touch them somehow,  let them know I'm there. That even in that place, they are loveable, good enough. That they aren't " Broken" or " Damaged" ....they're just human. And as humans we feel and we hurt. And sometimes we make the wrong choices. Say the wrong things. Keep hurting ourselves and others. However there is the next minute. The next moment. The next hour. Even the next day to start healing and soothing our hurt. 

So my goal.....soften each other's pain, one step at a time. One hand on someone's back. One kind word. One hug. Just be in that space of pain with them ( just don't let them take advantage of your kindness). Sometimes you don't need to say anything....just be. 

Just be.....

xo 

barney 

24 days.....

3 1/2 weeks .....24 days since we talked. No goodbye. No see ya later sweet cheeks. One moment you were here and the next you were gone. How in the f*ck did that happen??

A little back story feels like it may be needed.

I'm 46. Mother of 2 - one grown up daughter (21) and one almost grown son (17). I'm currently going through a divorce from an 18 yr relationship. That devastation took me over 2 years to muddle and finally get through. My rock - my amazing mother died from Lung cancer 14 years ago followed by my stepdad 4 years later. So yeah, shit has happened. Life has happened. I've heard the " what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger" bullshit line for years....btw people, no one grieving, in crisis, in trauma ever fucking wants to hear that. You need to use a cliche or a quote to express yourself....do them a favour....just don't say anything at all. Trust me on this. Especially " when one door closes, another opens"- seriously! What the f*ck? Really? It does not make anyone feel better....

Over the past year, I found my tribe. My spirituality. My gifts. My magic. I worked my ass off to heal from my childhood wounds and the break up of my marriage. I finally soothed my inner child and became the adult I was pretending to be all these years. I was happy. Content. Had my life by the balls. And then I met the " guy" ....the one I had been looking for and wanting my whole adult life ( without even knowing what I really wanted) .

One day I didn't know him and the next he was mine and I was his.....yes I realize how cliche that sounds. How fairytale bs it sounds like. Trust me, he even questioned it. But it was real. It was that easy. That good. That freaking healthy. Respectful. Fun. Sexy. Hot AF.

3 amazing months. Non stop texting or calling ...sometimes up to 10 times in a day. Other than about 13 days, we saw each other everyday in those 3 months. Best friends. Best friends who found each each sexy AF and couldn't get enough of the other. Affection. Hand holding. Always touching. Laughing. Goofy silly conversations or incredibly deep emotional raw honest ones . Love. Yup, love. Real authentic genuine love. Hadn't been actually spoken with those 3 little words. But we knew. Just by the look in our eyes. By our actions. We knew. And we knew it would last . Finally......

And then 3 1/2 weeks ago. 24 days.....he went for a day motorcycle trip with a best friend and he never came home. He was killed when somehow he didn't make the corner. Crossed the yellow line into a SUV.  One small instant minute, even second. His life. My life. His kids lives. Everyone around us, lives changed. And trust me folks...it hasn't been for the better. I can promise you that.

I won't only be writing about his death though. My life has so much variety in it. Him. My marriage. My childhood. My friends. My kids. My spirituality and gifts. My career. ....My Life.
I feel there's so much to say. Maybe sometimes too much but you know what? That's ok. There are no rules. No limits. No right. No wrong. There just is. And there is healing needed. So much healing. Not just for me....maybe you too. Let's just take this crazy, confused, sometimes fucked up ride together and see where it ends up.

" IT'S THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION THAT MATTERS"

( yup I just used the cheesiest of quotes....suck it up buttercup 😛)

xo
barney