As you know I'm not a fan of the word broken. Even heart broken ( which feels like I am most of the time). But really what I truly feel is fragile......
My heart feels fragile. My soul does too. My faith. All of me. Fragile. And it's not a feeling I'm used to or comfortable with. I'm the strong one. The one in control. The one who fights back and fights until she wins. Vulnerable yes...I'm ok with being vulnerable. Authentic. Genuine. But fragile. Like I could break? No. That isn't a feeling I like. But it's there. It's what I am.
It's how I can't be out in public too long. I can't be around people too much. I can't read too many helpful online sites. I can't watch the news or hear about others grief right now. I feel too fragile.
My heart feels like it's new and raw. Not hardened. Open yet closed from fear of being more hurt. Especially from anyone I thought I could trust. It's why I have once again built a fortress around it
( he had broken down many walls....opened up the front gate....pretty much from the beginning) to protect it and myself. It feels like it needs to be wrapped in bubble wrap. Lots and lots of bubble wrap. So it's still soft inside of the wrapping but is being taken care of while it heals.
My soul. Oh my soul. It has faith or at least it wants to. It wants to believe there is more. That it just needs to let go and trust. I think it may be the most fragile. When my mom died and then 4 years later my stepdad, I think that's when my soul stopped believing. Believing in anything positive. In manifestations. In creating your own life. It felt more like life was so out of my control and I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. What was the point in believing when every time I was happy, something shitty...so unbelievably shitty would happen again. Even now. I had fought for 2 1/2 years to heal and to get over my marriage. I had healed. I found who I wanted to be and I really liked her. I had faith I would find the right relationship. And I did. And it was everything I dreamed of and even more. I trusted my soul once again. And then ......then it was gone. In a blink of an eye, it was gone. And so has gone some of my faith, I'm questioning things again. Doubting. Trying to believe. Hoping and looking for signs but not always believing them when I think I see them.
They say when someone dies, part of you dies with them. Right now for me, it feels like part of my soul did and it's left me fragile. Oh so very unbelievably shattering fragile......
xo
barney
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