Are we any different?

I have so many mixed up emotions at the moment.....

I see all the people who loved him. Who knew him for so many years. Had so many memories with him and from their pictures or how they talk, life seems to getting back to normal for them. They're going on road trips. They enjoyed their Thanksgiving even with a touch of sadness. They're hunting. They're hiking. They're making plans. Looking forward to the snow, to ski or do whatever winter brings joy to them.

And all I feel is stuck. I'm envious. I also know I'm not necessarily seeing the whole picture. How they may cry at night or at their jobs in the middle of the day. But from where it looks from for me, they're accepting the loss better. They're moving forward. And I feel like that all I do is keep looking back.

Their normal or maybe their new normal seems so different than mine. But then again maybe their normal was only seeing or talking to him once a week or even once every two. They were best friends, close friends, great friends but they had their own separate everyday life from him. For the months we were together, we weren't separated. If we didn't get to see each other, we at least talked.

My normal in 3 short but amazing months changed so drastically. I went from being extremely single. Independent. Content. Doing things on my own all the time to speaking and usually seeing someone everyday. That became my new normal within a week and lasted 10 more. One extreme to the other. And then when he died, the extreme changed back....only this time I have sadness, sorrow, longing and aching instead of independence and contentment. And I don't have him to turn to in those moments. No soft place to fall....except my own arms.

Maybe that's why I'm envious too....most people have their person still. When missing him and wanting to call him overwhelms them, they have their mate ( or it seems like most do). To talk about it. Have them hold them. Understand what they feel like.

This is not meant to be a " feel sorry" for me post. It's just trying to figure it out in my head.

I think I may need to learn more about whatever it seems they are doing to bring back their normal or their " new" normal. Or maybe I just need to be gentle in reminding myself that my grief is my own. My relationship with him was different as theirs was as well. And also that what I " see" in a picture or " hear" about is maybe just a snippet of happiness. That those who love him are grieving as much as I am and are feeling as alone in that as I do......

xo
barney