My Lighthouse

I wrote yesterday that I get to witness all of the spectacular amazing things that life is going to bring me and to the kids and that you don't. I needed to get that pain out. Those thoughts out so that I can see that it's absolute bs. You are here. You will see. You are and will be here for every minute of our lives until we get to all be together again. You're the one who even said that time is an illusion. It's not linear. That we have no idea what the afterlife really is. When you were trying to calm my fears about not being in the world anymore. You looked me straight in the eyes and said " how do we not know that we just move into the next dimension and we're doing the exact same thing there as we are now? Don't worry". That's how I know, besides being able to feel you and hear you, that you aren't really gone. Physically yes....and fuck does that kill me sometimes. Trust me. However you are right here, right now, with all of us. I just need to remind myself in my dark moments.  And look at the pics/ videos on my phone to see your face, your smile and hear your incredible laugh.


After writing that out yesterday all I have felt is grateful. Lighter. A little more at peace. I made it through  last night, this morning and this afternoon not crying ( well except when I received my keychain- then I cried but they were happy tears) . I hope to not cry tonight. I know you get it and would be the same but I also know how much you hate that I am and that you are where you are and I am where I am.....where you can't hold me and let me snot bawl on you again.  Allowing myself to let my guard down and to open up to you, I know made you feel even more loved. You knew how much I trusted you with my heart and that wasn't something I do easily. You made it easy though. I thought I'd be so embarrassed and awkward the next day after you let me snot bawl all over you....I wasn't. I just fell even more in like with you in that moment. Maybe it was love by then.,,,,I don't know. I just know that I felt safe .....a safe I hadn't felt with anyone else in a very long time. You really were my warrior.....Strong. Yet soft. I could be independent and taken care of at the same time.

 I just felt safe..... All the time. Just safe.

And I still do now. That's why I love the " My Lighthouse" song. Whoever picked it for you was exactly on the mark....you are my lighthouse. You are the peace in my troubled sea. I will follow you. You will carry me safe to shore....always and forever.

xo
barney