Waves

Those waves.....holy shit, those waves. When they come at you, there's no stopping them. Sunday's was a tidal wave, maybe close to a Tsunami and damn did it knock me down. But I eventually stood up. Knocked the sand off and shook the water off. Preparing myself for the next one cause I know for damn sure another is coming. No idea when it's coming, how high it will be. How hard it will hit. But it's time for me to stand there, look it in the eye and say eff you. Knock me down. Keep knocking me down. I'm gonna get up every single time. Every. Single. Time. And slowly in time they won't be so high. Won't come as often. Won't be able to knock me down.

So today and maybe it will only happen today, I'm remembering the great. The fun. The constant laughing, the excitement of seeing his truck pull up or driving into his yard, knowing he was just as excited to see me. I'm remembering our first drunken kiss. The giddyness of first holding hands.

I'm remembering the moments of honesty. Showing our past pain and knowing that we were healing from it, together. We were helping each other see things differently. Maybe not so personally. That what was said to us, most times in hurt and anger weren't true. That we were worthy. That we hadn't done anything wrong. That we couldn't control what had happened to us however we could control how we felt about ourselves. That we were loveable......just as we were. We didnt have to change. That for us, we liked and loved each other unconditionally. That was the gift. If only for 3 mths we got to give each other so much love and respect. It changed both our lives. How can I not be grateful for that? Do I wish we had that for the next 50 years....you bet your ass I do. But we didn't. We got a few months and that was enough.

He gave me the chance to get to know his children. And to love them. And as long as they want and allow me to be in their life, I will be. I get to see the parts of him in them. We get to feel connected to him when we're together. When we laugh at the goofiest of things. When we talk about him and share our stories.

We were able to show my children ( and his) that you can love again after loss. That there are healthy loving relationships. My children got to see their mom happy again. Be taken care of and treated the way they feel she deserves to be. And that I have the strength to be vulnerable. To allow someone to love me just for me without trying to control it. And even now, I get to show them how to face those waves. Those fucking devastating waves and get back up. Again and again. By example, I hope to show my children, that shit happens. That life can knock the crap out of you but you decide what's next. I also get to show them self care. That if you need the days to lay in bed because that's all you have in the moment, then that's ok. It won't be like that forever. You'll find the strength, the courage to get out and start living again. Just that it doesn't have to be instantly. It will take time. It will take healing. But you will do it. And life will be beautiful again. It will be joyous and happy. And that the person you lost is always there, helping you remember that and guiding you to the best life you can have.

So thank you my NBF.....for flirting with me, for kissing me first, for showing me respect, how a strong man treats a woman. For openness and allowing me to let my guard down. For trusting you with my heart. For amazing whatever moments. And most of all for loving me, just as I am......

xo
barney