Today is a grief day. And that's ok. I'm finally coming to terms that I'm going to have them. For maybe a very long time. That crying every couple of minutes or going through a whole day with only crying once is ok. Normal. Normal for me anyways.
Someone yesterday cried telling me how much she still missed him and even to her it didn't feel real. She knew him longer than I did however didn't obviously have the same type of relationship. In that moment it made me realize if she can still miss him this much and feel this sad, no wonder I do.
See I have a bit of OCD....and when I say that, it means my brain won't shut off and I tend to obsess over things especially if I need to find " logic" in it to sort it out in my brain. I need to feel like I'm " normal" ......I need to make " sense" of things. It's crazy and it's fucking stupid. All I need to do is feel without feeling the need to explain it or justify it but somehow that's a really hard thing for me. I'm a chronic overthinker. And sometimes, most times it's so detrimental to my state of mind.
I don't know of I learned at an early age to shut my feelings off when they hurt or are too much. Or if life experiences has done it. That in trying to protect myself, my heart, I give it over to my brain. Who then says " get over it" " move on" " let it go" etc etc etc, I think it's how I've learned to survive. However I don't know if this is the healthiest way for me to survive. It's worked up until now but maybe it's time to feel more, think less. Fuck, though, that's scary. Feeling all the feels and sitting in it. Sitting in it without trying to think. To figure it out. To justify. Just to feel.
So for today, it's a grief day. Just a feel day. So if you see me and I look sad. My eyes may be puffy. I have the eyeore cloud over my head, you'll know that I've been sitting in my shit, feeling all my feelings and just allowing.
More than likely though, it'll be a cocooning day.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Ten.....
10 weeks today. I know it's probably not the healthiest to keep counting but it's how my brain works. I did it when we were together. " wow it's been 4 weeks" now 6. Holy shit we've made it 6 weeks. Now 8. Two whole months. I was excited to count them. I was like a teenager who wanted to celebrate each week especially a milestone one like a month or 2. We actually never got to 12- 3 mths. You died 6 days earlier. But I didn't care, I rounded it up.
10 weeks.....and that first day, I didn't know if I was going to make 10 minutes without being with you. The first 10 minutes after getting the call I didn't know if I was going to make it at all.....except for the kids. Mine and yours. I had to tell mine and I had to get to yours.
I will be honest in saying it's gotten a bit easier. Quite a bit on some days. Others, not so much.
A part of me doesn't know if I want to get used to it being like this. Calmer. More peaceful. The chaos and the pain can get addicting and it's what I'm used to from my whole life. And a part of me is scared that I'll forget. That we'll forget you. I know it's not real. It's not rational but dude, we know how I'm not always the most rational human.
I do miss you as much as I did in the moment I found out you were gone. I can still feel that feeling. The bending over onto my bed, staring at the picture of us and saying out loud no. Please no. And sobbing. Wanting to crawl out of my body because it hurt so much. Frantic. Thinking how the fuck did this happen. This can't be real. No, this cannot be real.
10 weeks later it's still real.
But today, like that day, the sun is shining. The leaves have turned and are beautiful. I'm healing. I'm learning to be grateful. I'm seeing the beauty again. I remembering us. Remembering the things we talked about. Laughed our asses off about. I'm remembering how you looked at me. How you kissed me. How your smile made feel like I was the only one in the room and the most beautiful. I'm remembering how independent and strong I am and how much you admired me for it. I'm remembering that I will never settle for anyone less than the kind of man you are.
I'm remembering us......and how we felt about each other.....in 11, almost 12 short weeks. And those override the 10 weeks since you've been gone. They always will.
Always and forever
xo
barney
10 weeks.....and that first day, I didn't know if I was going to make 10 minutes without being with you. The first 10 minutes after getting the call I didn't know if I was going to make it at all.....except for the kids. Mine and yours. I had to tell mine and I had to get to yours.
I will be honest in saying it's gotten a bit easier. Quite a bit on some days. Others, not so much.
A part of me doesn't know if I want to get used to it being like this. Calmer. More peaceful. The chaos and the pain can get addicting and it's what I'm used to from my whole life. And a part of me is scared that I'll forget. That we'll forget you. I know it's not real. It's not rational but dude, we know how I'm not always the most rational human.
I do miss you as much as I did in the moment I found out you were gone. I can still feel that feeling. The bending over onto my bed, staring at the picture of us and saying out loud no. Please no. And sobbing. Wanting to crawl out of my body because it hurt so much. Frantic. Thinking how the fuck did this happen. This can't be real. No, this cannot be real.
10 weeks later it's still real.
But today, like that day, the sun is shining. The leaves have turned and are beautiful. I'm healing. I'm learning to be grateful. I'm seeing the beauty again. I remembering us. Remembering the things we talked about. Laughed our asses off about. I'm remembering how you looked at me. How you kissed me. How your smile made feel like I was the only one in the room and the most beautiful. I'm remembering how independent and strong I am and how much you admired me for it. I'm remembering that I will never settle for anyone less than the kind of man you are.
I'm remembering us......and how we felt about each other.....in 11, almost 12 short weeks. And those override the 10 weeks since you've been gone. They always will.
Always and forever
xo
barney
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Are we any different?
I have so many mixed up emotions at the moment.....
I see all the people who loved him. Who knew him for so many years. Had so many memories with him and from their pictures or how they talk, life seems to getting back to normal for them. They're going on road trips. They enjoyed their Thanksgiving even with a touch of sadness. They're hunting. They're hiking. They're making plans. Looking forward to the snow, to ski or do whatever winter brings joy to them.
And all I feel is stuck. I'm envious. I also know I'm not necessarily seeing the whole picture. How they may cry at night or at their jobs in the middle of the day. But from where it looks from for me, they're accepting the loss better. They're moving forward. And I feel like that all I do is keep looking back.
Their normal or maybe their new normal seems so different than mine. But then again maybe their normal was only seeing or talking to him once a week or even once every two. They were best friends, close friends, great friends but they had their own separate everyday life from him. For the months we were together, we weren't separated. If we didn't get to see each other, we at least talked.
My normal in 3 short but amazing months changed so drastically. I went from being extremely single. Independent. Content. Doing things on my own all the time to speaking and usually seeing someone everyday. That became my new normal within a week and lasted 10 more. One extreme to the other. And then when he died, the extreme changed back....only this time I have sadness, sorrow, longing and aching instead of independence and contentment. And I don't have him to turn to in those moments. No soft place to fall....except my own arms.
Maybe that's why I'm envious too....most people have their person still. When missing him and wanting to call him overwhelms them, they have their mate ( or it seems like most do). To talk about it. Have them hold them. Understand what they feel like.
This is not meant to be a " feel sorry" for me post. It's just trying to figure it out in my head.
I think I may need to learn more about whatever it seems they are doing to bring back their normal or their " new" normal. Or maybe I just need to be gentle in reminding myself that my grief is my own. My relationship with him was different as theirs was as well. And also that what I " see" in a picture or " hear" about is maybe just a snippet of happiness. That those who love him are grieving as much as I am and are feeling as alone in that as I do......
xo
barney
I see all the people who loved him. Who knew him for so many years. Had so many memories with him and from their pictures or how they talk, life seems to getting back to normal for them. They're going on road trips. They enjoyed their Thanksgiving even with a touch of sadness. They're hunting. They're hiking. They're making plans. Looking forward to the snow, to ski or do whatever winter brings joy to them.
And all I feel is stuck. I'm envious. I also know I'm not necessarily seeing the whole picture. How they may cry at night or at their jobs in the middle of the day. But from where it looks from for me, they're accepting the loss better. They're moving forward. And I feel like that all I do is keep looking back.
Their normal or maybe their new normal seems so different than mine. But then again maybe their normal was only seeing or talking to him once a week or even once every two. They were best friends, close friends, great friends but they had their own separate everyday life from him. For the months we were together, we weren't separated. If we didn't get to see each other, we at least talked.
My normal in 3 short but amazing months changed so drastically. I went from being extremely single. Independent. Content. Doing things on my own all the time to speaking and usually seeing someone everyday. That became my new normal within a week and lasted 10 more. One extreme to the other. And then when he died, the extreme changed back....only this time I have sadness, sorrow, longing and aching instead of independence and contentment. And I don't have him to turn to in those moments. No soft place to fall....except my own arms.
Maybe that's why I'm envious too....most people have their person still. When missing him and wanting to call him overwhelms them, they have their mate ( or it seems like most do). To talk about it. Have them hold them. Understand what they feel like.
This is not meant to be a " feel sorry" for me post. It's just trying to figure it out in my head.
I think I may need to learn more about whatever it seems they are doing to bring back their normal or their " new" normal. Or maybe I just need to be gentle in reminding myself that my grief is my own. My relationship with him was different as theirs was as well. And also that what I " see" in a picture or " hear" about is maybe just a snippet of happiness. That those who love him are grieving as much as I am and are feeling as alone in that as I do......
xo
barney
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Cocoon
I'm not the biggest fan of winter......it's cold, usually gloomy. I was looking forward to having someone to ski with, go sledding. Just take walks in the snow. I know he would have pushed me outside even on the days I'd just want to be curled up inside. Being outside with someone else is fun. It's goofy. It's worth being cold for because you know you'll warm up with them later ;)
I've been having hard time with myself and my expectations of myself. I'm hard on myself for crying still. For not wanting to wake up in the morning, let alone do anything. I keep forgetting to be gentle on myself. To allow whatever I'm feeling be felt. That I've been going through having to let go of many things over the last 3 years, not just now. That some of my grief isn't just him. It's over a marriage - a dream I had of what my life was going to be. Notice I said " a marriage" and not " my marriage" I've realized I don't miss mine. I don't miss how we were together. How hard it was most of the time. I miss the idea of the us I thought we were. Neither of us were who we really are while we were married -it was like we playing pretend. Being who we thought the other wanted. Sad really.
I don't miss that. But I do miss the feeling of belonging. Of feeling like someone has your back. The feeling of having someone to share with. I miss that.
I realized today that this is ( and already has) going to change me. I'm still the me before we were "us" however knowing him and being around him changed me.....his death definitely did and will keep on. And what I realized today is that it can be a good thing.
So instead of berating myself and expecting myself to be doing stuff all time, I'm going to allow myself to grow and change. Be still, be quiet. Be by myself when I need to. I used to call it hibernating. Hibernating feels negative though. Hiding. Being stagnant.
What I will be doing is more like cocooning. Just like the caterpillar, when it's time to grow and change, it cocoons itself. From the harsh elements. From outside influences. It allows itself to transform while wrapped in safety. For me, my home is my safety. It always has been. I'm so grateful for having that safety. The fact that it's getting colder. It will be winter soon, is actually a good thing for me. I can allow myself to cocoon. To grow. To build on who I already am. Be safe and warm. Away from the harshness. And when Spring comes hopefully I will be ready to re-emerge even stronger. With more understanding. Of myself and of the world around me. With even more compassion and empathy than I already have. With some of my grief healed. That when the sun shines so brightly all I'll want to do is hold my face towards it and let it warm me. That my memories of us, of my marriage, my mom, my stepdad and the others I have lost are even more beautiful than before. That I'm more grateful for even having them even though I lost them.
So these next months are for me. Just for me. What a beautiful wonderful realization and how lucky I am that I can do that for myself without expectations. That I can let my life flow in the way it needs to. Stay on my path without knowing my destination. Just knowing that it's going to be a beautiful, hard, sometimes scary journey and that's ok. I have the strength, the grit, the knowledge and insight to know what I need to do for myself. Self care at its finest.....in my cocoon.
xo
barney
I've been having hard time with myself and my expectations of myself. I'm hard on myself for crying still. For not wanting to wake up in the morning, let alone do anything. I keep forgetting to be gentle on myself. To allow whatever I'm feeling be felt. That I've been going through having to let go of many things over the last 3 years, not just now. That some of my grief isn't just him. It's over a marriage - a dream I had of what my life was going to be. Notice I said " a marriage" and not " my marriage" I've realized I don't miss mine. I don't miss how we were together. How hard it was most of the time. I miss the idea of the us I thought we were. Neither of us were who we really are while we were married -it was like we playing pretend. Being who we thought the other wanted. Sad really.
I don't miss that. But I do miss the feeling of belonging. Of feeling like someone has your back. The feeling of having someone to share with. I miss that.
I realized today that this is ( and already has) going to change me. I'm still the me before we were "us" however knowing him and being around him changed me.....his death definitely did and will keep on. And what I realized today is that it can be a good thing.
So instead of berating myself and expecting myself to be doing stuff all time, I'm going to allow myself to grow and change. Be still, be quiet. Be by myself when I need to. I used to call it hibernating. Hibernating feels negative though. Hiding. Being stagnant.
What I will be doing is more like cocooning. Just like the caterpillar, when it's time to grow and change, it cocoons itself. From the harsh elements. From outside influences. It allows itself to transform while wrapped in safety. For me, my home is my safety. It always has been. I'm so grateful for having that safety. The fact that it's getting colder. It will be winter soon, is actually a good thing for me. I can allow myself to cocoon. To grow. To build on who I already am. Be safe and warm. Away from the harshness. And when Spring comes hopefully I will be ready to re-emerge even stronger. With more understanding. Of myself and of the world around me. With even more compassion and empathy than I already have. With some of my grief healed. That when the sun shines so brightly all I'll want to do is hold my face towards it and let it warm me. That my memories of us, of my marriage, my mom, my stepdad and the others I have lost are even more beautiful than before. That I'm more grateful for even having them even though I lost them.
So these next months are for me. Just for me. What a beautiful wonderful realization and how lucky I am that I can do that for myself without expectations. That I can let my life flow in the way it needs to. Stay on my path without knowing my destination. Just knowing that it's going to be a beautiful, hard, sometimes scary journey and that's ok. I have the strength, the grit, the knowledge and insight to know what I need to do for myself. Self care at its finest.....in my cocoon.
xo
barney
Monday, October 17, 2016
emptiness
So mixed curling started tonight . I had so much fun. Honestly for a few hours I didn't think of you constantly. There were many times I did though. Lol, like when I fell on my ass - ya that wasn't embarrassing at all- don't worry I handled it like the " pro class clown " I am and laughed it off.
I've read some blogs where people feel guilty for having fun,laughing and enjoying life again. I didn't. I know how much you want me to laugh - belly laugh again and I did. I was me again for a few hours. Me before grief knocked me on my ass.
But I came home and all I want to do is tell you about it. I came home and I'm alone once again. I don't have a " hope you had fun " text on my phone. Or "call me when you're home " text. I came home to that fucking empty feeling again. And I fucking hate it. I'm so damn tired of it.
I don't want to do this sometimes. I don't want to start the fuck over. I just want us. Dammit, just us. Or even if there wasn't an us anymore - still at least knowing your in the world.
Dammit I miss you so much. And right now I don't know how to get past it. I was alone for so many years before I got married. I was alone for 2 1/2 years before we met. Why the f*ck does being alone now for 2 months feel so hard? So damn lonely?
I just miss you dude and what you brought to my life. That's it. That's all. Simple .....
I miss the bleeping eff out of you ..... every. damn. day.
xo
barney
I've read some blogs where people feel guilty for having fun,laughing and enjoying life again. I didn't. I know how much you want me to laugh - belly laugh again and I did. I was me again for a few hours. Me before grief knocked me on my ass.
But I came home and all I want to do is tell you about it. I came home and I'm alone once again. I don't have a " hope you had fun " text on my phone. Or "call me when you're home " text. I came home to that fucking empty feeling again. And I fucking hate it. I'm so damn tired of it.
I don't want to do this sometimes. I don't want to start the fuck over. I just want us. Dammit, just us. Or even if there wasn't an us anymore - still at least knowing your in the world.
Dammit I miss you so much. And right now I don't know how to get past it. I was alone for so many years before I got married. I was alone for 2 1/2 years before we met. Why the f*ck does being alone now for 2 months feel so hard? So damn lonely?
I just miss you dude and what you brought to my life. That's it. That's all. Simple .....
I miss the bleeping eff out of you ..... every. damn. day.
xo
barney
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Happened......
I just read a line on a different blog post
" I feel so lucky that _____ happened to me "
Holy shit. For some reason that resonated so hard with me today.
I am so lucky that Dan happened to me,
I got to be the woman he chose to talk to, text and see every day for 3 mths. Me. Only me.
He " saw " me. The real me. The authentic genuine me and he chose to love her. He chose to wake up every morning and text me " good morning beautiful". He chose to call me whenever he was on the road for work. He chose me to be around his children. He chose me to spend his spare time with. To share his dreams. His goals. His insecurities and doubts. His pain. His joy. His funny as fuck sense of humour. His body. His kisses. His hugs. His life. His heart. His love.
And I absolutely know he would say the same about me. He was the one I chose. Everyday, To share my fears. My trust issues. My dreams. My magic. My body. My kisses and hugs. My children. My heart and my love.
We chose each other over and over again for 3 months and I feel we'd still be choosing each other now. I know I would be.
How amazing and beautiful is that? Some people never get to experience what we did. Some people don't find their " person" in this lifetime.
I did. He did. It took us waaaay too long to find each other and absolutely not enough time after. But we still had it. He carries that with him wherever he is and I get to carry it with me for the rest of my life.
So fucking incredibly grateful that " he happened to me". That " we happened to each other"
I love you donkey butt....thanks for helping to send that one line for me to read today. I needed it.
xo
barney
" I feel so lucky that _____ happened to me "
Holy shit. For some reason that resonated so hard with me today.
I am so lucky that Dan happened to me,
I got to be the woman he chose to talk to, text and see every day for 3 mths. Me. Only me.
He " saw " me. The real me. The authentic genuine me and he chose to love her. He chose to wake up every morning and text me " good morning beautiful". He chose to call me whenever he was on the road for work. He chose me to be around his children. He chose me to spend his spare time with. To share his dreams. His goals. His insecurities and doubts. His pain. His joy. His funny as fuck sense of humour. His body. His kisses. His hugs. His life. His heart. His love.
And I absolutely know he would say the same about me. He was the one I chose. Everyday, To share my fears. My trust issues. My dreams. My magic. My body. My kisses and hugs. My children. My heart and my love.
We chose each other over and over again for 3 months and I feel we'd still be choosing each other now. I know I would be.
How amazing and beautiful is that? Some people never get to experience what we did. Some people don't find their " person" in this lifetime.
I did. He did. It took us waaaay too long to find each other and absolutely not enough time after. But we still had it. He carries that with him wherever he is and I get to carry it with me for the rest of my life.
So fucking incredibly grateful that " he happened to me". That " we happened to each other"
I love you donkey butt....thanks for helping to send that one line for me to read today. I needed it.
xo
barney
Friday, October 14, 2016
ying and yang...but fuck the yang
A day of ying and yang. Yup, that's what it is.
Today is my gorgeous first born daughter's 21st birthday. I can remember every detail of that day. Waking up just after 7am realizing that I was having contractions. Excitement. Fear. Holy shit this is happening went through me. By the end of the day I would meet my baby. I would be a mother. lol, I would have my belly back and no more heartburn.
She was the catalyst for me to change my life. I was 25. No direction. Had been living in Calgary but missing home so much. I wasn't ready to be a parent. Especially a single one. All I knew was I loved her more than I ever imagined loving someone. We became a little family of two and as many times as I screwed up, I made up for it many times over in doing the best for us.
She has grown into this amazing young women. So intelligent. Sensitive. Incredibly insightful. Funny AF. Goofy. Silly. Kind. Respectful. Responsible. I would like to take most of the credit for all of this but seriously she has done this on her own. She's always marched to her own drum. She inspires me all the time. We truly are " friends" I would consider her one of my best. Even though I'm the parent, when I needed her, to just be there, she has been. She held my hand the entire time during his service. She was my rock and I so badly needed that. I am forever grateful that this miraculous human chose me to be her mom. I love her more than words can describe and I always will, forever.
Now for the shit .....today is 2 mths since his accident. Yes I'm celebrating one of the best days of my life while still mourning one of the worst. I'm trying to focus on the best. Her. The miracle she is for me. But I did have to take 2 meds this morning. I may need them all day. So yeah, fuck. Ying and yang. If only life offered the happiness....how sweet that would be.
So yay for my beautiful child - I love you xo
So fuck for missing you - I love you xo
xo
barney
Today is my gorgeous first born daughter's 21st birthday. I can remember every detail of that day. Waking up just after 7am realizing that I was having contractions. Excitement. Fear. Holy shit this is happening went through me. By the end of the day I would meet my baby. I would be a mother. lol, I would have my belly back and no more heartburn.
She was the catalyst for me to change my life. I was 25. No direction. Had been living in Calgary but missing home so much. I wasn't ready to be a parent. Especially a single one. All I knew was I loved her more than I ever imagined loving someone. We became a little family of two and as many times as I screwed up, I made up for it many times over in doing the best for us.
She has grown into this amazing young women. So intelligent. Sensitive. Incredibly insightful. Funny AF. Goofy. Silly. Kind. Respectful. Responsible. I would like to take most of the credit for all of this but seriously she has done this on her own. She's always marched to her own drum. She inspires me all the time. We truly are " friends" I would consider her one of my best. Even though I'm the parent, when I needed her, to just be there, she has been. She held my hand the entire time during his service. She was my rock and I so badly needed that. I am forever grateful that this miraculous human chose me to be her mom. I love her more than words can describe and I always will, forever.
Now for the shit .....today is 2 mths since his accident. Yes I'm celebrating one of the best days of my life while still mourning one of the worst. I'm trying to focus on the best. Her. The miracle she is for me. But I did have to take 2 meds this morning. I may need them all day. So yeah, fuck. Ying and yang. If only life offered the happiness....how sweet that would be.
So yay for my beautiful child - I love you xo
So fuck for missing you - I love you xo
xo
barney
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Poker face
I've always been a pretty open person at the same time being private about certain things. This last year, I started sharing even more about my life with friends, acquaintances and even on my fb. I didn't think about it. I just did it. It wasn't for recognition or admiration..it was just the thoughts in my head.
And then I did it with my grief when I lost him. And for the most part I was supported. However I did get backlash. Strangers talking about me to some friends. Friends talking about me to friends instead of coming to me. I realized that I didn't want to be as open as I thought I did. That I wasn't ready for my life to examined, explored, scrutinized the way some people were.
One of my besties has been trying to tell for a year that I don't always have to show my whole hand....like in poker. Use your poker face. It's not lying to " pretend" you have cards that you don't. That your own life can be the same. You don't have to tell every detail to everyone you meet. That you have the right to hide your " hand" or show it when you want.
The problem for me was wanting to live my life so authentically and genuinely that I felt like I needed to be an open book. I've realized that living my life authentically and genuinely means I do what feels right and best for me and fuck anyone else. That's what being authentic to myself is. It's not about anyone else. If I want to write my life all over FB, that's my right. If I don't, my right again. If I am having a hard time getting through my grief, that's for me only. If I don't move on with dating for a year, my right. If I move on right away. My right. If I want to sleep with anyone and whoever whenever I want to, my right. I don't know why I felt I needed or need explain my life, my choices, my decisions, my actions to anyone. I don't. And fuck anyone who decides to judge me. You aren't me. You aren't in my shoes. You didn't lose your marriage and then your boyfriend in the last 3 years.....I did.
So my lesson at the moment is to keep my cards close to my body. Not show my hand so quickly (unless I choose to with the those I trust and thankfully I have at least 3 to do that with ). So the people of this small little town, keep your nose out of others business. Concentrate and focus on your own life. Keep your judgements to yourself or how about stop any judging at all. What I do or anyone does has NOTHING to do with you. And until you are in my exact shoes or anyone else's, just stay in your own and live your life the way you are choosing to.
And what anyone " sees" from the outside may not be what's going on in the inside. I may be as happy as I look when you see me. I also may be holding my pain in because in that moment I have to. I may be doing fantastic that day but I may have also laid in bed all morning bawling until I made myself get up and out. Or I may do that the moment I get home. My feelings come in those waves I wrote about and it's not always about him. It may be about life in general. Life can be hard. ....for everyone.
PS...nothing has happened. This is more about me getting it out so I can say fuck you to the idea of anyone's else's " image" or " perception" of how I or anyone should be. So that I can stop giving a shit about what might be said about me with how I decide to live my life from this moment on.
xo
barney
And then I did it with my grief when I lost him. And for the most part I was supported. However I did get backlash. Strangers talking about me to some friends. Friends talking about me to friends instead of coming to me. I realized that I didn't want to be as open as I thought I did. That I wasn't ready for my life to examined, explored, scrutinized the way some people were.
One of my besties has been trying to tell for a year that I don't always have to show my whole hand....like in poker. Use your poker face. It's not lying to " pretend" you have cards that you don't. That your own life can be the same. You don't have to tell every detail to everyone you meet. That you have the right to hide your " hand" or show it when you want.
The problem for me was wanting to live my life so authentically and genuinely that I felt like I needed to be an open book. I've realized that living my life authentically and genuinely means I do what feels right and best for me and fuck anyone else. That's what being authentic to myself is. It's not about anyone else. If I want to write my life all over FB, that's my right. If I don't, my right again. If I am having a hard time getting through my grief, that's for me only. If I don't move on with dating for a year, my right. If I move on right away. My right. If I want to sleep with anyone and whoever whenever I want to, my right. I don't know why I felt I needed or need explain my life, my choices, my decisions, my actions to anyone. I don't. And fuck anyone who decides to judge me. You aren't me. You aren't in my shoes. You didn't lose your marriage and then your boyfriend in the last 3 years.....I did.
So my lesson at the moment is to keep my cards close to my body. Not show my hand so quickly (unless I choose to with the those I trust and thankfully I have at least 3 to do that with ). So the people of this small little town, keep your nose out of others business. Concentrate and focus on your own life. Keep your judgements to yourself or how about stop any judging at all. What I do or anyone does has NOTHING to do with you. And until you are in my exact shoes or anyone else's, just stay in your own and live your life the way you are choosing to.
And what anyone " sees" from the outside may not be what's going on in the inside. I may be as happy as I look when you see me. I also may be holding my pain in because in that moment I have to. I may be doing fantastic that day but I may have also laid in bed all morning bawling until I made myself get up and out. Or I may do that the moment I get home. My feelings come in those waves I wrote about and it's not always about him. It may be about life in general. Life can be hard. ....for everyone.
PS...nothing has happened. This is more about me getting it out so I can say fuck you to the idea of anyone's else's " image" or " perception" of how I or anyone should be. So that I can stop giving a shit about what might be said about me with how I decide to live my life from this moment on.
xo
barney
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Waves
Those waves.....holy shit, those waves. When they come at you, there's no stopping them. Sunday's was a tidal wave, maybe close to a Tsunami and damn did it knock me down. But I eventually stood up. Knocked the sand off and shook the water off. Preparing myself for the next one cause I know for damn sure another is coming. No idea when it's coming, how high it will be. How hard it will hit. But it's time for me to stand there, look it in the eye and say eff you. Knock me down. Keep knocking me down. I'm gonna get up every single time. Every. Single. Time. And slowly in time they won't be so high. Won't come as often. Won't be able to knock me down.
So today and maybe it will only happen today, I'm remembering the great. The fun. The constant laughing, the excitement of seeing his truck pull up or driving into his yard, knowing he was just as excited to see me. I'm remembering our first drunken kiss. The giddyness of first holding hands.
I'm remembering the moments of honesty. Showing our past pain and knowing that we were healing from it, together. We were helping each other see things differently. Maybe not so personally. That what was said to us, most times in hurt and anger weren't true. That we were worthy. That we hadn't done anything wrong. That we couldn't control what had happened to us however we could control how we felt about ourselves. That we were loveable......just as we were. We didnt have to change. That for us, we liked and loved each other unconditionally. That was the gift. If only for 3 mths we got to give each other so much love and respect. It changed both our lives. How can I not be grateful for that? Do I wish we had that for the next 50 years....you bet your ass I do. But we didn't. We got a few months and that was enough.
He gave me the chance to get to know his children. And to love them. And as long as they want and allow me to be in their life, I will be. I get to see the parts of him in them. We get to feel connected to him when we're together. When we laugh at the goofiest of things. When we talk about him and share our stories.
We were able to show my children ( and his) that you can love again after loss. That there are healthy loving relationships. My children got to see their mom happy again. Be taken care of and treated the way they feel she deserves to be. And that I have the strength to be vulnerable. To allow someone to love me just for me without trying to control it. And even now, I get to show them how to face those waves. Those fucking devastating waves and get back up. Again and again. By example, I hope to show my children, that shit happens. That life can knock the crap out of you but you decide what's next. I also get to show them self care. That if you need the days to lay in bed because that's all you have in the moment, then that's ok. It won't be like that forever. You'll find the strength, the courage to get out and start living again. Just that it doesn't have to be instantly. It will take time. It will take healing. But you will do it. And life will be beautiful again. It will be joyous and happy. And that the person you lost is always there, helping you remember that and guiding you to the best life you can have.
So thank you my NBF.....for flirting with me, for kissing me first, for showing me respect, how a strong man treats a woman. For openness and allowing me to let my guard down. For trusting you with my heart. For amazing whatever moments. And most of all for loving me, just as I am......
xo
barney
So today and maybe it will only happen today, I'm remembering the great. The fun. The constant laughing, the excitement of seeing his truck pull up or driving into his yard, knowing he was just as excited to see me. I'm remembering our first drunken kiss. The giddyness of first holding hands.
I'm remembering the moments of honesty. Showing our past pain and knowing that we were healing from it, together. We were helping each other see things differently. Maybe not so personally. That what was said to us, most times in hurt and anger weren't true. That we were worthy. That we hadn't done anything wrong. That we couldn't control what had happened to us however we could control how we felt about ourselves. That we were loveable......just as we were. We didnt have to change. That for us, we liked and loved each other unconditionally. That was the gift. If only for 3 mths we got to give each other so much love and respect. It changed both our lives. How can I not be grateful for that? Do I wish we had that for the next 50 years....you bet your ass I do. But we didn't. We got a few months and that was enough.
He gave me the chance to get to know his children. And to love them. And as long as they want and allow me to be in their life, I will be. I get to see the parts of him in them. We get to feel connected to him when we're together. When we laugh at the goofiest of things. When we talk about him and share our stories.
We were able to show my children ( and his) that you can love again after loss. That there are healthy loving relationships. My children got to see their mom happy again. Be taken care of and treated the way they feel she deserves to be. And that I have the strength to be vulnerable. To allow someone to love me just for me without trying to control it. And even now, I get to show them how to face those waves. Those fucking devastating waves and get back up. Again and again. By example, I hope to show my children, that shit happens. That life can knock the crap out of you but you decide what's next. I also get to show them self care. That if you need the days to lay in bed because that's all you have in the moment, then that's ok. It won't be like that forever. You'll find the strength, the courage to get out and start living again. Just that it doesn't have to be instantly. It will take time. It will take healing. But you will do it. And life will be beautiful again. It will be joyous and happy. And that the person you lost is always there, helping you remember that and guiding you to the best life you can have.
So thank you my NBF.....for flirting with me, for kissing me first, for showing me respect, how a strong man treats a woman. For openness and allowing me to let my guard down. For trusting you with my heart. For amazing whatever moments. And most of all for loving me, just as I am......
xo
barney
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Don't even know ......
It's 2:30 and I've only just showered and blow dried my hair. Al I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't know what's stopping my either.
I'm sad. Incredibly sad today. It's not just him. It's my mom. My divorce. My feeling that I don't belong anywhere at this moment. In 14 years I lost 3 families.....my mom died so my place with her was gone. My dad and 2nd wife ( of 20 years) divorced and that was gone. And I'm going through a divorce, so my other family disappeared too, and now even though I have no real idea of how us could have been, I lost what my future may have been like.
It's that true sense of belonging. I have friends. Extended family members that I could be with today, I know that. For me, it's not the same. It feels like once again I'm trying to fit in and I just don't. Odd one out. No mother, no husband. Just me and my kids.
When I think of my mom still being here, I think of being at their house. Helping getting everything ready. My parents ( that's what I called her and my stepdad) got me. Would have gotten my divorce. Would have gotten my grief. There would have been no forcing conversation. No small talk. Just snacking, drinking wine or tea. Both kids laughing. Family. Just family. Love.
I loved having dinner with my in-laws too because once my mom was gone they gave me that same sense of family. I felt like I belonged. I was one of theirs.
When I picture us, him and I, I think of the chaos in his house with 8 of us ( him, me, his 3, my 2 and my daughters bf). I'm not saying this would have happened, it's just what I picture. And it's a fantastic picture. So much laughing. Eating. Being goofy. Probably dancing. That family again. What him and I absolutely needed, and our kids too. Stability. Safeness. Kinda like old times but new as well, you know.
So I'm feeling lost. Alone. Kinda fearful that it may always be like this. And I don't know what to do to soothe it. Go back to bed. Go for a drive. Do something productive. All I want is to stop feeling this way but I know there's nothing that will at this moment. I honestly know now why people try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs.
And I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. There are so many hurting people in the world at the moment....just in my little world right now, it feels overwhelming and that its just me......
I miss you today....mom, Pete, my married life, Dan. I miss you all so very much however I'm also so grateful to have ever had you at all.
xo
barney
I'm sad. Incredibly sad today. It's not just him. It's my mom. My divorce. My feeling that I don't belong anywhere at this moment. In 14 years I lost 3 families.....my mom died so my place with her was gone. My dad and 2nd wife ( of 20 years) divorced and that was gone. And I'm going through a divorce, so my other family disappeared too, and now even though I have no real idea of how us could have been, I lost what my future may have been like.
It's that true sense of belonging. I have friends. Extended family members that I could be with today, I know that. For me, it's not the same. It feels like once again I'm trying to fit in and I just don't. Odd one out. No mother, no husband. Just me and my kids.
When I think of my mom still being here, I think of being at their house. Helping getting everything ready. My parents ( that's what I called her and my stepdad) got me. Would have gotten my divorce. Would have gotten my grief. There would have been no forcing conversation. No small talk. Just snacking, drinking wine or tea. Both kids laughing. Family. Just family. Love.
I loved having dinner with my in-laws too because once my mom was gone they gave me that same sense of family. I felt like I belonged. I was one of theirs.
When I picture us, him and I, I think of the chaos in his house with 8 of us ( him, me, his 3, my 2 and my daughters bf). I'm not saying this would have happened, it's just what I picture. And it's a fantastic picture. So much laughing. Eating. Being goofy. Probably dancing. That family again. What him and I absolutely needed, and our kids too. Stability. Safeness. Kinda like old times but new as well, you know.
So I'm feeling lost. Alone. Kinda fearful that it may always be like this. And I don't know what to do to soothe it. Go back to bed. Go for a drive. Do something productive. All I want is to stop feeling this way but I know there's nothing that will at this moment. I honestly know now why people try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs.
And I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. There are so many hurting people in the world at the moment....just in my little world right now, it feels overwhelming and that its just me......
I miss you today....mom, Pete, my married life, Dan. I miss you all so very much however I'm also so grateful to have ever had you at all.
xo
barney
Friday, October 7, 2016
Handle with care
As you know I'm not a fan of the word broken. Even heart broken ( which feels like I am most of the time). But really what I truly feel is fragile......
My heart feels fragile. My soul does too. My faith. All of me. Fragile. And it's not a feeling I'm used to or comfortable with. I'm the strong one. The one in control. The one who fights back and fights until she wins. Vulnerable yes...I'm ok with being vulnerable. Authentic. Genuine. But fragile. Like I could break? No. That isn't a feeling I like. But it's there. It's what I am.
It's how I can't be out in public too long. I can't be around people too much. I can't read too many helpful online sites. I can't watch the news or hear about others grief right now. I feel too fragile.
My heart feels like it's new and raw. Not hardened. Open yet closed from fear of being more hurt. Especially from anyone I thought I could trust. It's why I have once again built a fortress around it
( he had broken down many walls....opened up the front gate....pretty much from the beginning) to protect it and myself. It feels like it needs to be wrapped in bubble wrap. Lots and lots of bubble wrap. So it's still soft inside of the wrapping but is being taken care of while it heals.
My soul. Oh my soul. It has faith or at least it wants to. It wants to believe there is more. That it just needs to let go and trust. I think it may be the most fragile. When my mom died and then 4 years later my stepdad, I think that's when my soul stopped believing. Believing in anything positive. In manifestations. In creating your own life. It felt more like life was so out of my control and I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. What was the point in believing when every time I was happy, something shitty...so unbelievably shitty would happen again. Even now. I had fought for 2 1/2 years to heal and to get over my marriage. I had healed. I found who I wanted to be and I really liked her. I had faith I would find the right relationship. And I did. And it was everything I dreamed of and even more. I trusted my soul once again. And then ......then it was gone. In a blink of an eye, it was gone. And so has gone some of my faith, I'm questioning things again. Doubting. Trying to believe. Hoping and looking for signs but not always believing them when I think I see them.
They say when someone dies, part of you dies with them. Right now for me, it feels like part of my soul did and it's left me fragile. Oh so very unbelievably shattering fragile......
xo
barney
My heart feels fragile. My soul does too. My faith. All of me. Fragile. And it's not a feeling I'm used to or comfortable with. I'm the strong one. The one in control. The one who fights back and fights until she wins. Vulnerable yes...I'm ok with being vulnerable. Authentic. Genuine. But fragile. Like I could break? No. That isn't a feeling I like. But it's there. It's what I am.
It's how I can't be out in public too long. I can't be around people too much. I can't read too many helpful online sites. I can't watch the news or hear about others grief right now. I feel too fragile.
My heart feels like it's new and raw. Not hardened. Open yet closed from fear of being more hurt. Especially from anyone I thought I could trust. It's why I have once again built a fortress around it
( he had broken down many walls....opened up the front gate....pretty much from the beginning) to protect it and myself. It feels like it needs to be wrapped in bubble wrap. Lots and lots of bubble wrap. So it's still soft inside of the wrapping but is being taken care of while it heals.
My soul. Oh my soul. It has faith or at least it wants to. It wants to believe there is more. That it just needs to let go and trust. I think it may be the most fragile. When my mom died and then 4 years later my stepdad, I think that's when my soul stopped believing. Believing in anything positive. In manifestations. In creating your own life. It felt more like life was so out of my control and I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. What was the point in believing when every time I was happy, something shitty...so unbelievably shitty would happen again. Even now. I had fought for 2 1/2 years to heal and to get over my marriage. I had healed. I found who I wanted to be and I really liked her. I had faith I would find the right relationship. And I did. And it was everything I dreamed of and even more. I trusted my soul once again. And then ......then it was gone. In a blink of an eye, it was gone. And so has gone some of my faith, I'm questioning things again. Doubting. Trying to believe. Hoping and looking for signs but not always believing them when I think I see them.
They say when someone dies, part of you dies with them. Right now for me, it feels like part of my soul did and it's left me fragile. Oh so very unbelievably shattering fragile......
xo
barney
Thursday, October 6, 2016
invisibly broken
“Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.”
This made me think of when we break a bone or some other kind of illness happens to us, we don't try to hurry our healing ( well some stubborn people don't.) We listen to the dr's order.....stay off it. Don't over work it. Be gentle with it so it can heal properly. Rest. Relax. Lay on the couch and watch mindless tv or read. Or sleep. Take your meds to help alleviate the pain. Our logical minds think there is nothing wrong with this. It's what we're to do and we're dumb and being stubborn if we don't.
But for a broken heart or broken spirit, do we allow the same? I don't think many of us do. We have higher expectations of ourselves. I know I do. If I had a broken leg right now, I'd be more gentle. If it hurt I'd cry. I'd take my pain medication. So why when my heart hurts so much, I try to ignore it. I feel shame in taking my anxiety med. I feel I should be out doing something instead of hibernating laying on my couch crying all night. Maybe that's what my heart and my soul needs to heals. But because there is no physical break, no cast to remind me, it just makes me feel weak. Maybe over - dramatic.
Maybe my heart doesn't need to be distracted by the gym, Hanging out with friends. Hiking. All the things that are recommended. It's only been 8 weeks...maybe I just need rest. Sleep. Crying. Hibernating. Mindless, numbing tv. Meds that help my over worked thoughts.
When my mom died, I just went on with life. I had 2 small children. I couldn't stay in bed all day. Lay on the couch. She died at 3 am on Sun which happened to be Fathers Day that year. I was out for breakfast to celebrate the father of my children by 11 that morning. Raw. Split open. Vulnerable. Numb. And there I was sitting in a packed room full of people eating eggs and bacon. She had only been gone 8 hrs and I allowed myself to push my feelings away for the sake of my children and their dad. No one made me. I could have said no, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want my pain to be more important. How fucked up was that? Shouldn't my loss and pain have been more important than bacon and eggs? It absolutely should have been.
I got married 7 weeks later instead of postponing it. Again, I didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially her. Wtf? I barely remember my wedding. I felt numb and detached. It should have been one of the best days of my life and I just went through the motions. That wasn't fair to my new husband or to myself. I think that happened for many many years after too,
When we're not fully present for ourselves or others, we all feel the lack. It domino affects the situation. Why would we ever think that's the right thing to do?
Being authentic and genuine in our grief. In our pain. In our happiness and joy. That's living. That's learning. And being authentic means leaning into the pain, not ignoring it or distracting ourselves from it. It's realizing that it needs to be loved. Validated. Taken care of so it can heal and eventually we can move forward. Forward to the joy again. To the happy. To the beauty in the smallest things.
So right now if you're in pain and hurting....please stop being so hard on yourself. Stop your expectations. Be gentle. Be in the moment even when that moment feels so overwhelming.
And yes those words are for me, probably even more so than for anyone else. Now if I can just listen ........truly listen.
xo
barney
This made me think of when we break a bone or some other kind of illness happens to us, we don't try to hurry our healing ( well some stubborn people don't.) We listen to the dr's order.....stay off it. Don't over work it. Be gentle with it so it can heal properly. Rest. Relax. Lay on the couch and watch mindless tv or read. Or sleep. Take your meds to help alleviate the pain. Our logical minds think there is nothing wrong with this. It's what we're to do and we're dumb and being stubborn if we don't.
But for a broken heart or broken spirit, do we allow the same? I don't think many of us do. We have higher expectations of ourselves. I know I do. If I had a broken leg right now, I'd be more gentle. If it hurt I'd cry. I'd take my pain medication. So why when my heart hurts so much, I try to ignore it. I feel shame in taking my anxiety med. I feel I should be out doing something instead of hibernating laying on my couch crying all night. Maybe that's what my heart and my soul needs to heals. But because there is no physical break, no cast to remind me, it just makes me feel weak. Maybe over - dramatic.
Maybe my heart doesn't need to be distracted by the gym, Hanging out with friends. Hiking. All the things that are recommended. It's only been 8 weeks...maybe I just need rest. Sleep. Crying. Hibernating. Mindless, numbing tv. Meds that help my over worked thoughts.
When my mom died, I just went on with life. I had 2 small children. I couldn't stay in bed all day. Lay on the couch. She died at 3 am on Sun which happened to be Fathers Day that year. I was out for breakfast to celebrate the father of my children by 11 that morning. Raw. Split open. Vulnerable. Numb. And there I was sitting in a packed room full of people eating eggs and bacon. She had only been gone 8 hrs and I allowed myself to push my feelings away for the sake of my children and their dad. No one made me. I could have said no, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want my pain to be more important. How fucked up was that? Shouldn't my loss and pain have been more important than bacon and eggs? It absolutely should have been.
I got married 7 weeks later instead of postponing it. Again, I didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially her. Wtf? I barely remember my wedding. I felt numb and detached. It should have been one of the best days of my life and I just went through the motions. That wasn't fair to my new husband or to myself. I think that happened for many many years after too,
When we're not fully present for ourselves or others, we all feel the lack. It domino affects the situation. Why would we ever think that's the right thing to do?
Being authentic and genuine in our grief. In our pain. In our happiness and joy. That's living. That's learning. And being authentic means leaning into the pain, not ignoring it or distracting ourselves from it. It's realizing that it needs to be loved. Validated. Taken care of so it can heal and eventually we can move forward. Forward to the joy again. To the happy. To the beauty in the smallest things.
So right now if you're in pain and hurting....please stop being so hard on yourself. Stop your expectations. Be gentle. Be in the moment even when that moment feels so overwhelming.
And yes those words are for me, probably even more so than for anyone else. Now if I can just listen ........truly listen.
xo
barney
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Noise
We work so much on ourselves. To become confident. Feel worthy. Not care what anyone thinks of us or need their approval. Most times, I've gotten pretty good with it. Then something happens where you feel you're under the microscope.....in the fish bowl again. It happened when my marriage broke up and it has felt like it's happened again. Truly it may be more in my head. A few people here and there telling me that people talk. It's a small town and sometimes my mind makes it bigger than it actually may be. Who knows? And really who cares? Ultimately I need to not care. To just be me.
My grief cousellor said it perfectly " You have the right to be yourself "
You have the right to be yourself. In that moment it clicked. It was one of my a-ha moments.
I'd like to say that I'm living that in every moment. That I never think, what will people think if I do this or do that? What if I seem too happy? What if I seem too sad? Are they saying " yeah she really loved him, sure she did. Look at her life." Or " jeez, get over it. It's not like you were married ". Terrible, stupid thoughts that invade sometimes. Some days so much more than others.
I wish I could say I give a rats ass about anyone's opinion or image of me and my life. That I'm as confident as I know a lot people think I am. That I live my life with the " no fucks given " attitude.
However I'm as human as everyone else. I have feelings - deeper than most people realize. That I can easily be hurt by words and actions even if I don't show you that you've just done that to me. That I'm vulnerable and sensitive but most times there's no way in hell I'll let you see that if I think you can hurt me. I know how high my guard is up. How big my fortress is. I'm the one who has built it. I'm the one who defends it. And I'm also the one who has allowed the wrong people in and allowed myself to be un-armed enough to get hurt.
It's a delicate balance. Being guarded yet vulnerable. Strong yet soft. I, like anyone else have encountered people who have used my kindness. My softness. My empathy. I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of. To be treated unworthy. To care more what people may think, than how I feel. Sometimes trying to live my life to what I think are their standards of me.
It's why I hibernate sometimes but also why I can feel so alone too. Wanting to be around people. Out having fun. Socializing. But worried about what may be said later. Will I be talked about. Is that all in my head or is it the truth? And why do I really even care? It feels exhausting sometimes so it's easier to just stay at home or do things on my own.
We, him and I did that a lot. Hibernated. Stayed at home. Went for long walks. Just were together. After what we both had been through, we just wanted calm. Peace. Quiet. I miss that. Being with someone who " got it ". Who understood. Just us. In our own little world. Yup. I miss that.
This absolutely feels like a rambling post.....I warned you about the " noise" in my head. Well, this is the noise.
My grief cousellor said it perfectly " You have the right to be yourself "
You have the right to be yourself. In that moment it clicked. It was one of my a-ha moments.
I'd like to say that I'm living that in every moment. That I never think, what will people think if I do this or do that? What if I seem too happy? What if I seem too sad? Are they saying " yeah she really loved him, sure she did. Look at her life." Or " jeez, get over it. It's not like you were married ". Terrible, stupid thoughts that invade sometimes. Some days so much more than others.
I wish I could say I give a rats ass about anyone's opinion or image of me and my life. That I'm as confident as I know a lot people think I am. That I live my life with the " no fucks given " attitude.
However I'm as human as everyone else. I have feelings - deeper than most people realize. That I can easily be hurt by words and actions even if I don't show you that you've just done that to me. That I'm vulnerable and sensitive but most times there's no way in hell I'll let you see that if I think you can hurt me. I know how high my guard is up. How big my fortress is. I'm the one who has built it. I'm the one who defends it. And I'm also the one who has allowed the wrong people in and allowed myself to be un-armed enough to get hurt.
It's a delicate balance. Being guarded yet vulnerable. Strong yet soft. I, like anyone else have encountered people who have used my kindness. My softness. My empathy. I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of. To be treated unworthy. To care more what people may think, than how I feel. Sometimes trying to live my life to what I think are their standards of me.
It's why I hibernate sometimes but also why I can feel so alone too. Wanting to be around people. Out having fun. Socializing. But worried about what may be said later. Will I be talked about. Is that all in my head or is it the truth? And why do I really even care? It feels exhausting sometimes so it's easier to just stay at home or do things on my own.
We, him and I did that a lot. Hibernated. Stayed at home. Went for long walks. Just were together. After what we both had been through, we just wanted calm. Peace. Quiet. I miss that. Being with someone who " got it ". Who understood. Just us. In our own little world. Yup. I miss that.
This absolutely feels like a rambling post.....I warned you about the " noise" in my head. Well, this is the noise.
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