dammit

I was lucky enough to spent a few hours with the girls and my son last night......it was a lot of fun. However I think that's where the unfair feeling and being so pissed off came from. It's a two sided sword for me. I always want to be in their lives and be a part of it but at the same time, it hurts, it fucking hurts. I see what our life would have been like. Our kids interacting, bonding....eventually becoming friends and maybe looking at each other as family. And f*ck, it's not going to happen the way I want it to. He's missing from that beautiful futuristic picture.

We talked a lot about him. What they had done with him over the years. It was so cool to hear. I get to learn about him from their point of view. It does make me feel more connected to him and to them . And then there is the other side. The one that realizes how much I didn't get to learn about him. The sides I didn't get to see. That I will never get to see.

I will never slow dance with him or crazy jump up and down dance. We didn't " party " together and get silly. We won't be skiing together like we planned. Or go to Cuba and chill for the week.  I'll never hear him say the words I love you even though he told me he wanted to say them but like me was afraid. Once again I'll be spending Christmas alone....we were both so looking forward to it.

I didn't get to see his " Marty" side. The larger than life him. What his fave pie was because he wasn't eating food like that because he wanted to stay in shape. I don't get to get good enough for us to run again together.

We won't share his children's and mine's future plans... Their graduations. Their weddings. Their babies. Their lives. I get to witness it all.....without him . And they will have to do the same which is truly the saddest part of this. 5 kids......his 3 and my 2 don't get to see how proud he will be when they accomplish great things in their life. Have his advice. Make his dumb jokes that I couldn't stop laughing from. The amazing way he is with little kids. So effin much.

There are so many things I know about him. So many personal things I know he felt about the past 3 months. His dreams, his hopes. What he wanted for the future which included us. But there are so many things I miss out on every day and it f*cking kills me. I find myself grasping for any pieces and bits of him. And no matter how much I learn, how much I laugh at the stories, I just feel empty. And sometimes so incredibly fucking sad.

I know, I truly do, that he is here with us. All the time. As he even said, I'm just in the next dimension ....it just doesn't feel the same. Not at this point. It just doesn't.

xo
barney