Don't even know ......

It's 2:30 and I've only just showered and blow dried my hair. Al I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't know what's stopping my either.

I'm sad. Incredibly sad today. It's not just him. It's my mom. My divorce. My feeling that I don't belong anywhere at this moment. In 14 years I lost 3 families.....my mom died so my place with her was gone. My dad and 2nd wife ( of 20 years) divorced and that was gone. And I'm going through a divorce, so my other family disappeared too, and now even though I have no real idea of how us could have been, I lost what my future may have been like.

It's that true sense of belonging. I have friends. Extended family members that I could be with today, I know that. For me, it's not the same. It feels like once again I'm trying to fit in and I just don't. Odd one out. No mother, no husband. Just me and my kids.

When I think of my mom still being here, I think of being at their house. Helping getting everything ready. My parents ( that's what I called her and my stepdad) got me. Would have gotten my divorce. Would have gotten my grief. There would have been no forcing conversation. No small talk. Just snacking, drinking wine or tea. Both kids laughing. Family. Just family. Love.

I loved having dinner with my in-laws too because once my mom was gone they gave me that same sense of family. I felt like I belonged. I was one of theirs.

When I picture us, him and I, I think of the chaos in his house with 8 of us ( him, me, his 3, my 2 and my daughters bf). I'm not saying this would have happened, it's just what I picture. And it's a fantastic picture. So much laughing. Eating. Being goofy. Probably dancing. That family again. What him and I absolutely needed, and our kids too. Stability. Safeness. Kinda like old times but new as well, you know.

So I'm feeling lost. Alone. Kinda fearful that it may always be like this. And I don't know what to do to soothe it. Go back to bed. Go for a drive. Do something productive. All I want is to stop feeling this way but I know there's nothing that will at this moment. I honestly know now why people try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs.

And I know I'm not alone in feeling like this. There are so many hurting people in the world at the moment....just in my little world right now, it feels overwhelming and that its just me......

I miss you today....mom, Pete, my married life, Dan. I miss you all so very much however I'm also so grateful to have ever had you at all.

xo
barney