I saw a grief counsellor last night. It was the first time I ever had the courage. With all of my other losses, I was afraid of going. Afraid it would open a flood gate of pain and tears that I wouldn't be able to stop. Keeping it all locked behind that concrete door felt easier and to be honest, it actually is sometimes. Except we all know, it's not healthy. It builds up. Has nowhere to go. Festers. Thrives inside of you and eats away at all the good.
She helped me see that I need to " nurture" my grief. Nurture all of my feelings. Like we do our children and the others we love. Hold the grief and soothe it. Honour it. Sit with it. Validate it.
The thing is though....just sitting with it is hard. It's fucking scary. I've been doing it all morning and it's not easy. I think it may be one of the hardest things I'll do for myself. I'm used to taking control.
" Doing" something. How do you just sit? Be still? Let your body feel all the feels, feeling like your shaking from the inside out ? It feels weak. It feels so scary. So out of control. And I'm not good with out of control. Control makes me feel safe. A false sense of safety, yet it's still a feeling of safety.
So for today, for the moment, I'm sitting gently holding my screaming grief and just sitting. Just being.
But dammit, it's fucking hard....just sayin'
xo
barney
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