“Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.”
This made me think of when we break a bone or some other kind of illness happens to us, we don't try to hurry our healing ( well some stubborn people don't.) We listen to the dr's order.....stay off it. Don't over work it. Be gentle with it so it can heal properly. Rest. Relax. Lay on the couch and watch mindless tv or read. Or sleep. Take your meds to help alleviate the pain. Our logical minds think there is nothing wrong with this. It's what we're to do and we're dumb and being stubborn if we don't.
But for a broken heart or broken spirit, do we allow the same? I don't think many of us do. We have higher expectations of ourselves. I know I do. If I had a broken leg right now, I'd be more gentle. If it hurt I'd cry. I'd take my pain medication. So why when my heart hurts so much, I try to ignore it. I feel shame in taking my anxiety med. I feel I should be out doing something instead of hibernating laying on my couch crying all night. Maybe that's what my heart and my soul needs to heals. But because there is no physical break, no cast to remind me, it just makes me feel weak. Maybe over - dramatic.
Maybe my heart doesn't need to be distracted by the gym, Hanging out with friends. Hiking. All the things that are recommended. It's only been 8 weeks...maybe I just need rest. Sleep. Crying. Hibernating. Mindless, numbing tv. Meds that help my over worked thoughts.
When my mom died, I just went on with life. I had 2 small children. I couldn't stay in bed all day. Lay on the couch. She died at 3 am on Sun which happened to be Fathers Day that year. I was out for breakfast to celebrate the father of my children by 11 that morning. Raw. Split open. Vulnerable. Numb. And there I was sitting in a packed room full of people eating eggs and bacon. She had only been gone 8 hrs and I allowed myself to push my feelings away for the sake of my children and their dad. No one made me. I could have said no, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want my pain to be more important. How fucked up was that? Shouldn't my loss and pain have been more important than bacon and eggs? It absolutely should have been.
I got married 7 weeks later instead of postponing it. Again, I didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially her. Wtf? I barely remember my wedding. I felt numb and detached. It should have been one of the best days of my life and I just went through the motions. That wasn't fair to my new husband or to myself. I think that happened for many many years after too,
When we're not fully present for ourselves or others, we all feel the lack. It domino affects the situation. Why would we ever think that's the right thing to do?
Being authentic and genuine in our grief. In our pain. In our happiness and joy. That's living. That's learning. And being authentic means leaning into the pain, not ignoring it or distracting ourselves from it. It's realizing that it needs to be loved. Validated. Taken care of so it can heal and eventually we can move forward. Forward to the joy again. To the happy. To the beauty in the smallest things.
So right now if you're in pain and hurting....please stop being so hard on yourself. Stop your expectations. Be gentle. Be in the moment even when that moment feels so overwhelming.
And yes those words are for me, probably even more so than for anyone else. Now if I can just listen ........truly listen.
xo
barney
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