hold on.....

" There’s going to be days when you just don’t want to be here anymore. You just stay. You f***ing stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice. I promise. I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you.” ~ Erin Van


I can admit there were far too many days than I like to admit that I've wanted to give up in my life. When my mom died, my divorce and Dan. Far too many. However I always knew, felt, that there was more. That I couldn't give in to that. That I was here for a reason.

I've had this proven even more lately. I've had friends privately message me to tell me to please keep talking. Please keep expressing my feelings. That without knowing it I have inspired them. I have helped them. Helped them stay positive. Helped them look at their own life and relationships differently. To strive to make their relationships better. More loving. More open. And shown them how to be strong even when you are weak. That vulnerability is a super hero strength. Not something to be afraid of.

I want my children to see that, yes, life can be incredibly shitty and so fucking painful however, that they have it in them to survive it. To not only survive, but thrive. Thrive despite what happens to them. That the world needs them. Needs their wisdom. Their voice. Their exuberance. Their joy.

This week I realized that I'm still the same woman I was 3mths ago. Strong. Calm. Happy. Just right now she is inside a grief bubble but she's slowly working her way out. I guess you could say like a baby chick when it starts to hatch. It slowly breaks a piece of the shell. It's not instant. It takes time. It starts usually with one tiny little foot. Breaking free but still not quite ready to shatter the whole outer shell. My grief bubble is my shell...I still need it. I feel safe in it however I am realizing how much it's starting to affect my life and hinder my growth. Hinder my happiness and joy. But inside that bubble is a woman who has never given up. Who's been through hell and back a few times now and it hasn't broken her yet. It's actually made her who she is ....a strong independent vulnerable loving insightful inspiring super effin hero. Who has a voice. Who isn't afraid to shine even if her light scares people away. She'll still shine so that maybe they can see themselves away from their darkness and shadows. That they have the same light and it not only rocks to shine it, it's what world needs you to do.

So hold on, my loves. You're here for a reason. You are needed. You have a voice. You are beautiful and the world would be a much different place without you in it. Always, always remember that .....especially in your darkest fucking days.

xo
barney

memories....

Wow...2 posts in one day :)

One of the hardest parts about missing someone isn't just that you don't get to talk to them or see them when you want, it's also not having anyone to share the memories you have together.  For me anyways, it is. In the moments when I'm reminded of something we did or said, I only have myself to say it and reminisce with. When I laugh about something he said or something I did, I'm the only one laughing.

Obviously there are some memories that you have with other people when they were around. See that's the thing though....we spent so much time alone that there aren't a lot of people to do that with.

When his friends were posting on his FB after the accident about all the fun stories I was a little jealous....jealous that they had people who could relate to that memory. Who had been there. I don't really have that.....however when I really think about it and feel it, for me it makes our time together even more special. Even if I have no one to share the memory with. Because in those moments, I didn't have to share him. It was just us. Even if the kids were around there were certain moments we'd  sneak flirty looks or whisper something only we could hear. Most of our time though, like I said was spent just us. That's what we were looking for, needed and wanted. And there was no music playing. No tv on. No FB or internet. It was just us, always talking and laughing. Such a different relationship than we had ever had before. So much talking on the phone...especially when he was away for the week. We'd talk at night when all the boys were settled down. Sometimes until 1am. It was our time to catch up. To say I miss you. Wish you were here. It happened when he'd go out town for the day ( for work) too. Put me on blue tooth and chat most of the way there and back. I love that I have those conversations in my head. I love how into each other we were and even in our crazy busy lives we always tried to make the other a priority. That's so incredibly important. Make your partner a priority. It takes a second. You don't need to talk to them for hours to show it...send a flirty fun text ending with I can't talk but wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

I got a text once in the middle of the day :

Beautiful
Ya You

That was it. That was the entire text. Do you know how amazing that was? How special it made me feel? See that's love. Without having to say a I love you. There are so many different ways to to show it. I actually think the words mean so much less than the actions or the looks. We taught me that. My whole life I was always waiting for the words. That wow he finally loves me cause he said it.......despite the actions they were showing me. I took the words to be more important.

This time.....it was the actions. It was the respect. Being vulnerable. Being strong for the other. Being there. The looking into each other's eyes...and I mean actually looking and seeing. The words didn't need to be said. They had been said a hundred times already through our actions. Through our texts. Through our time spent alone. Through our kisses. Through our eyes.....absolutely 100% through our eyes. I knew it and he knew it. That's something pretty freakin special.

So I have all these memories. All of these moments replaying in my head. And don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to have them. Just sometimes I wish, no ache, to turn to him and say remember when? or let him know how that memory made me feel.....and not just out loud to myself or to his spirit. To actually, physically him. To hear his answer back or hear his laugh. Or to have him make fun of me.

Just to have him....to share that memory again.....one more time

xo
barney

Light and fun

I've been wanting to write daily the last few weeks but my emotions have been up down, up and down. Struggled with the words to write. Struggling with how I'm really feeling. Still am

Right now, the feeling is living life light and fun. Light and fun. Goofy. Silly. Taking nothing too seriously cause fuck how can you? If losing him hasn't shown me that what will?? One moment we were hanging out on his couch, the next he was gone. You never know what's going to happen. What's coming next? It may be the best thing for you and it may be the worst. So live it up people. Live it up.

Stop taking yourself so seriously. So you said the wrong thing? Oops. Now move on. You made the wrong choice. Oh oh. Now move on.

Stop taking anyone so seriously as well. They are just as human and bound to eff up as you are. Give them the room to be themselves. Dear God, please absolutely give yourself that room.

So do the things you're afraid of. Put yourself out there even with the fear of looking like an ass. So what? You won't look like one but even if you do, someone like me is going to admire the fuck out of you for doing it. I'm gonna respect you so much more than I would you sitting in your little confined cute box. Don't be me. Don't be the girl who has been so afraid to risk. To risk herself. Her feelings. Her joy. Her happiness. Be the person who is light and fun and just plain ridiculously happy.

Life can be, is and will be absolutely too short to be anything different.......just do it. Live it. Be it.

.........Happy ......

xo
barney