emptiness

So mixed curling started tonight . I had so much fun. Honestly for a few hours I didn't think of you constantly. There were many times I did though. Lol, like when I fell on my ass - ya that wasn't embarrassing at all- don't worry I handled it like the " pro class clown " I am and laughed it off.

I've read some blogs where people feel guilty for having fun,laughing and enjoying life again. I didn't. I know how much you want me to laugh - belly laugh again and I did. I was me again for a few hours. Me before grief knocked me on my ass.

But I came home and all I want to do is tell you about it. I came home and I'm alone once again. I don't have a " hope you had fun " text on my phone. Or "call me when you're home " text. I came home to that fucking empty feeling again. And I fucking hate it. I'm so damn tired of it.

I don't want to do this sometimes. I don't want to start the fuck over. I just want us. Dammit, just us. Or even if there wasn't an us anymore - still at least knowing your in the world.

Dammit I miss you so much. And right now I don't know how to get past it. I was alone for so many years before I got married. I was alone for 2 1/2 years before we met. Why the f*ck does being alone now for 2 months feel so hard? So damn lonely?

I just miss you dude and what you brought to my life. That's it. That's all. Simple .....

I miss the bleeping eff out of you ..... every. damn. day.

xo
barney