allowing

Today is a grief day. And that's ok. I'm finally coming to terms that I'm going to have them. For maybe a very long time. That crying every couple of minutes or going through a whole day with only crying once is ok. Normal. Normal for me anyways.

 Someone yesterday cried telling me how much she still missed him and even to her it didn't feel real. She knew him longer than I did however didn't obviously have the same type of relationship. In that moment it made me realize if she can still miss him this much and feel this sad, no wonder I do.

See I have a bit of OCD....and when I say that, it means my brain won't shut off and I tend to obsess over things especially if I need to find " logic" in it to sort it out in my brain. I need to feel like I'm " normal" ......I need to make " sense" of things.  It's crazy and it's fucking stupid. All I need to do is feel without feeling the need to explain it or justify it but somehow that's a really hard thing for me. I'm a chronic overthinker. And sometimes, most times it's so detrimental to my state of mind.

I don't know of I learned at an early age to shut my feelings off when they hurt or are too much. Or if life experiences has done it. That in trying to protect myself, my heart, I give it over to my brain. Who then says " get over it" " move on" " let it go" etc etc etc, I think it's how I've learned to survive. However I don't know if this is the healthiest way for me to survive. It's worked up until now but maybe it's time to feel more, think less. Fuck, though, that's scary. Feeling all the feels and sitting in  it. Sitting in it without trying to think. To figure it out. To justify. Just to feel.

So for today, it's a grief day. Just a feel day. So if you see me and I look sad. My eyes may be puffy. I have the eyeore cloud over my head, you'll know that I've been sitting in my shit, feeling all my feelings and just allowing.

More than likely though, it'll be a cocooning day.