Can we forget the world?

I think the mornings have become the hardest.  It's the waking up cozy in my bed and remembering again. Remembering that he's not up, already at work waiting for me to wake so one of us can text good morning. How did you sleep ?

It's sitting quietly with no distractions yet and all my mind does is replay over and over that he's gone. There will be no texts, no calls, no seeing him yet again today. The prospect of what to do the entire day ( besides work) is daunting. To feel like I'm going to have to fight off my panic attacks and try to keep my shit together. For the whole day. And then the night. Try to think of something to do. Someone to see. To talk to instead of crawling into bed to forget the world. And knowing that this will happen every morning for awhile. For who knows how long.  Replaying like the movie Ground Hog Day.

Now in saying this, I think it is just the morning doing this to my mind. I'm still tired. It's the start of the day which used to be exciting. Fun. Knowing that you had another whole day to do what you want. And I still have that. I know it's there. I know I can slowly change my mindset by mid morning.

It's just that first waking up and being quiet that tends to overwhelm me. The stillness. The feeling of having nothing to look forward to. That's the grief. And that little shit doesn't want to let go. It wants to settle in and stay for the day. It makes me want everyday to be a Dan day and stay in bed. To close my eyes to forget. And if it weren't for the need to adult and be responsible I think I could easily give into it. However I am healthy enough to know that I can't allow myself to do that. And that its not how he or anyone would want me to be. So I get up. I put on my own clothes. Make tea. Make my sons lunch and do my job. I do what needs to get done all the while fighting off this damn overwhelming grief.

I have never been a morning person.....I am absolutely not one now. And I wish there was a magic pill that would help. Roll over, pop it into your mouth and boom everything doesn't feel so shitty, sad and overwhelming.

So ya, I'm in the stage of f*cking hating waking up and it being morning........and sometimes counting the hours until I can crawl back into bed, under the covers and forget the world.