Gentle please

I think a scab is starting to cover the wounds ....and I think it's a good thing. It's helping the rawness heal. Protecting it from more hurts. More pain. Letting it take it's time to heal, properly. You can't see it but I can feel it. I feel when I belly laugh again ( he loved when I would - would even put his hand on my belly to feel it and then tell me how much he loved that I laughed like that ). I wish I could say that I haven't had a guilt moment when I have laughed or smiled or felt like life is beautiful again. It's like we have the " conditioned" thinking that our mourning " should" be this long.... I have no freakin idea how long this will take. How many bad days I'll still have. How many good ones. I'm just trying to take it day by day still. I guess really just moment by moment.

I had a great day yesterday. Pumpkin Patch, laughing, shopping, lunch, amazing conversations that had us teary and then laughing our asses off. But I still had 2 intense anxiety moments.... one so bad that in the bathroom I had to stop myself from hyperventilating and keep talking to myself. I don't know why. I don't know where they come from. It's okay though. I got through them. I will get through it if and when it happens again.

Grief sucks. That's it. That's all. Whether it's from illness, losing your job, a breakup, a death ... It sucks. I'm choosing to fight my way through it . No effin way am I going down. I'm watching and learning from the people around me who are grieving in their own ways, from this, from their own lives that have nothing to do with my loss. I'm learning you can be the teacher and the student at the same time. I'm hoping that I'm rocking both of those roles at the moment. If not, that's okay too... I'm doing the effin best I can and that's all that I care about.

xo
barney