Ten.....

10 weeks today. I know it's probably not the healthiest to keep counting but it's how my brain works. I did it when we were together.  " wow it's been 4 weeks" now 6. Holy shit we've made it 6 weeks. Now 8. Two whole months. I was excited to count them. I was like a teenager who wanted to celebrate each week especially a milestone one like a month or 2. We actually never got to 12- 3 mths. You died 6 days earlier. But I didn't care, I rounded it up.

10 weeks.....and that first day, I didn't know if I was going to make 10 minutes without being with you.  The first 10 minutes after getting the call I didn't know if I was going to make it at all.....except for the kids. Mine and yours. I had to tell mine and I had to get to yours.

I will be honest in saying it's gotten a bit easier. Quite a bit on some days. Others, not so much.

A part of me doesn't know if I want to get used to it being like this. Calmer. More peaceful. The chaos and the pain can get addicting and it's what I'm used to from my whole life. And a part of me is scared that I'll forget. That we'll forget you. I know it's not real. It's not rational but dude, we know how I'm not always the most rational human.

I do miss you as much as I did in the moment I found out you were gone. I can still feel that feeling. The bending over onto my bed, staring at the picture of us and saying out loud no. Please no. And sobbing. Wanting to crawl out of my body because it hurt so much. Frantic. Thinking how the fuck did this happen. This can't be real. No, this cannot be real.

10 weeks later it's still real.

But today, like that day, the sun is shining. The leaves have turned and are beautiful. I'm healing. I'm learning to be grateful. I'm seeing the beauty again. I remembering us. Remembering the things we talked about. Laughed our asses off about. I'm remembering how you looked at me. How you kissed me. How your smile made feel like I was the only one in the room and the most beautiful.  I'm remembering how independent and strong I am and how much you admired me for it. I'm remembering that I will never settle for anyone less than the kind of man you are.

I'm remembering us......and how we felt about each other.....in 11, almost 12 short weeks. And those override the 10 weeks since you've been gone. They always will.

Always and forever

xo
barney