Cocoon

I'm not the biggest fan of winter......it's cold, usually gloomy. I was looking forward to having someone to ski with, go sledding. Just take walks in the snow. I know he would have pushed me outside even on the days I'd just want to be curled up inside. Being outside with someone else is fun. It's goofy. It's worth being cold for because you know you'll warm up with them later ;)

I've been having hard time with myself and my expectations of myself. I'm hard on myself for crying still. For not wanting to wake up in the morning, let alone do anything. I keep forgetting to be gentle on myself. To allow whatever I'm feeling be felt. That I've been going through having to let go of many things over the last 3 years, not just now. That some of my grief isn't just him. It's over a marriage - a dream I had of what my life was going to be. Notice I said " a marriage" and not " my marriage" I've realized I don't miss mine. I don't miss how we were together. How hard it was most of the time. I miss the idea of the us I thought we were. Neither of us were who we really are while we were married -it was like we playing pretend. Being who we thought the other wanted. Sad really.
I don't miss that. But I do miss the feeling of belonging. Of feeling like someone has your back. The feeling of having someone to share with. I miss that.

I realized today that this is ( and already has) going to change me. I'm still the me before we were  "us" however knowing him and being around him changed me.....his death definitely did and will keep on. And what I realized today is that it can be a good thing.

So instead of berating myself and expecting myself to be doing stuff all time, I'm going to allow myself to grow and change. Be still, be quiet. Be by myself when I need to. I used to call it hibernating. Hibernating feels negative though. Hiding. Being stagnant.

What I will be doing is more like cocooning. Just like the caterpillar, when it's time to grow and change, it cocoons itself. From the harsh elements. From outside influences. It allows itself to transform while wrapped in safety. For me, my home is my safety. It always has been. I'm so grateful for having that safety. The fact that it's getting colder. It will be winter soon, is actually a good thing for me. I can allow myself to cocoon. To grow. To build on who I already am. Be safe and warm. Away from the harshness. And when Spring comes hopefully I will be ready to re-emerge even stronger. With more understanding. Of myself and of the world around me. With even more compassion and empathy than I already have. With some of my grief healed. That when the sun shines so brightly all I'll want to do is hold my face towards it and let it warm me. That my memories of us, of my marriage, my mom, my stepdad and the others I have lost are even more beautiful than before. That I'm more grateful for even having them even though I lost them.

So these next months are for me. Just for me. What a beautiful wonderful realization and how lucky I am that I can do that for myself without expectations. That I can let my life flow in the way it needs to. Stay on my path without knowing my destination. Just knowing that it's going to be a beautiful, hard, sometimes scary journey and that's ok. I have the strength, the grit, the knowledge and insight to know what I need to do for myself. Self care at its finest.....in my cocoon.

xo
barney