24 days.....

3 1/2 weeks .....24 days since we talked. No goodbye. No see ya later sweet cheeks. One moment you were here and the next you were gone. How in the f*ck did that happen??

A little back story feels like it may be needed.

I'm 46. Mother of 2 - one grown up daughter (21) and one almost grown son (17). I'm currently going through a divorce from an 18 yr relationship. That devastation took me over 2 years to muddle and finally get through. My rock - my amazing mother died from Lung cancer 14 years ago followed by my stepdad 4 years later. So yeah, shit has happened. Life has happened. I've heard the " what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger" bullshit line for years....btw people, no one grieving, in crisis, in trauma ever fucking wants to hear that. You need to use a cliche or a quote to express yourself....do them a favour....just don't say anything at all. Trust me on this. Especially " when one door closes, another opens"- seriously! What the f*ck? Really? It does not make anyone feel better....

Over the past year, I found my tribe. My spirituality. My gifts. My magic. I worked my ass off to heal from my childhood wounds and the break up of my marriage. I finally soothed my inner child and became the adult I was pretending to be all these years. I was happy. Content. Had my life by the balls. And then I met the " guy" ....the one I had been looking for and wanting my whole adult life ( without even knowing what I really wanted) .

One day I didn't know him and the next he was mine and I was his.....yes I realize how cliche that sounds. How fairytale bs it sounds like. Trust me, he even questioned it. But it was real. It was that easy. That good. That freaking healthy. Respectful. Fun. Sexy. Hot AF.

3 amazing months. Non stop texting or calling ...sometimes up to 10 times in a day. Other than about 13 days, we saw each other everyday in those 3 months. Best friends. Best friends who found each each sexy AF and couldn't get enough of the other. Affection. Hand holding. Always touching. Laughing. Goofy silly conversations or incredibly deep emotional raw honest ones . Love. Yup, love. Real authentic genuine love. Hadn't been actually spoken with those 3 little words. But we knew. Just by the look in our eyes. By our actions. We knew. And we knew it would last . Finally......

And then 3 1/2 weeks ago. 24 days.....he went for a day motorcycle trip with a best friend and he never came home. He was killed when somehow he didn't make the corner. Crossed the yellow line into a SUV.  One small instant minute, even second. His life. My life. His kids lives. Everyone around us, lives changed. And trust me folks...it hasn't been for the better. I can promise you that.

I won't only be writing about his death though. My life has so much variety in it. Him. My marriage. My childhood. My friends. My kids. My spirituality and gifts. My career. ....My Life.
I feel there's so much to say. Maybe sometimes too much but you know what? That's ok. There are no rules. No limits. No right. No wrong. There just is. And there is healing needed. So much healing. Not just for me....maybe you too. Let's just take this crazy, confused, sometimes fucked up ride together and see where it ends up.

" IT'S THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION THAT MATTERS"

( yup I just used the cheesiest of quotes....suck it up buttercup 😛)

xo
barney