Just Listen

Missing him sometimes feels so unbearable that I truly cannot breathe and my anxiety comes back full force. In those moments sometimes I choose to lay on my bed and just cry. Not move. Barely breathe. Just cry. Stare at the walls. Hug the pillows he bought me ( yes he was that kind of bf who bought me pillows because he hated mine and wanted me to be more comfortable).

Other times I go for a drive. Today was one of those days that I needed a walk. So I went. For the  first time to where we used to walk all the time. Our last walk was in this place and I hadn't been back since. Yes, I cried all the way up the trail until I found a spot that had shade. That I could see the trees. The mountains. I sat down. I took a picture. I took a picture of monkey there. I listened to my music and I just sat. Two women ( a mom and her daughter, I'm pretty sure) came by with their cagillion dogs. But one beautiful black dog wouldn't leave me alone. He sat with me while I petted him. He even put his head right across my lap and wouldn't leave when his owner called him. His name was Jake. .......sign # 1.

I sat some more. Listening to my music. Talking to him. Looking at the clouds. The trees. I felt him there the whole time. But I still needed more signs. So I asked him to play one of our songs on my phone.....

He not only played one.....but 3 of my favourites. .....3 in a row ... ( I had it on shuffle)

I thanked him and went home feeling more peaceful than I had in awhile.

But he needed to prove more to me.

I went downstairs to do laundry. I had turned off my music and when I came back up my phone had an app on it that told me :

" Right now, it would take you 12 minutes to drive to ............"

Which was where he lived and where I had just come back from my walk.

And not 2 minutes later a knock on my window,  followed by a knock on my door. The girls....his girls and a friend came into the house from up the street. They stayed for about an hour and half.....

.......I know you're always with me and them....I just need to listen more .

Thank you .....miss you. Love you

xo
barney