Noise

We work so much on ourselves. To become confident. Feel worthy. Not care what anyone thinks of us or need their approval. Most times, I've gotten pretty good with it. Then something happens where you feel you're under the microscope.....in the fish bowl again. It happened when my marriage broke up and it has felt like it's happened again. Truly it may be more in my head. A few people here and there telling me that people talk. It's a small town and sometimes my mind makes it bigger than it actually may be. Who knows? And really who cares? Ultimately I need to not care. To just be me.

My grief cousellor said it perfectly " You have the right to be yourself "

You have the right to be yourself. In that moment it clicked. It was one of my a-ha moments.

I'd like to say that I'm living that in every moment. That I never think, what will people think if I do this or do that? What if I seem too happy? What if I seem too sad? Are they saying " yeah she really loved him, sure she did. Look at her life." Or " jeez, get over it. It's not like you were married ". Terrible, stupid thoughts that invade sometimes. Some days so much more than others.

I wish I could say I give a rats ass about anyone's opinion or image of me and my life. That I'm as confident as I know a lot people think I am. That I live my life with the " no fucks given " attitude.
However I'm as human as everyone else. I have feelings - deeper than most people realize. That I can easily be hurt by words and actions even if I don't show you that you've just done that to me. That I'm vulnerable and sensitive but most times there's no way in hell I'll let you see that if I think you can hurt me. I know how high my guard is up. How big my fortress is. I'm the one who has built it. I'm the one who defends it. And I'm also the one who has allowed the wrong people in and allowed myself to be un-armed enough to get hurt.

It's a delicate balance. Being guarded yet vulnerable. Strong yet soft. I, like anyone else have encountered people who have used my kindness. My softness. My empathy. I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of. To be treated unworthy. To care more what people may think, than how I feel. Sometimes trying to live my life to what I think are their standards of me.

It's why I hibernate sometimes but also why I can feel so alone too. Wanting to be around people. Out having fun. Socializing. But worried about what may be said later. Will I be talked about. Is that all in my head or is it the truth? And why do I really even care? It feels exhausting sometimes so it's easier to just stay at home or do things on my own.

We, him and I did that a lot. Hibernated. Stayed at home. Went for long walks. Just were together. After what we both had been through, we just wanted calm. Peace. Quiet. I miss that. Being with someone who " got it ". Who understood. Just us. In our own little world. Yup. I miss that.

This absolutely feels like a rambling post.....I warned you about the " noise" in my head. Well, this is the noise.