Poker face

I've always been a pretty open person at the same time being private about certain things. This last year, I started sharing even more about my life with friends, acquaintances and even on my fb. I didn't think about it. I just did it. It wasn't for recognition or admiration..it was just the thoughts in my head.

And then I did it with my grief when I lost him. And for the most part I was supported. However I did get backlash. Strangers talking about me to some friends. Friends talking about me to friends instead of coming to me. I realized that I didn't want to be as open as I thought I did. That I wasn't ready for my life to examined, explored, scrutinized the way some people were.

One of my besties has been trying to tell for a year that I don't always have to show my whole hand....like in poker. Use your poker face. It's not lying to " pretend" you have cards that you don't. That your own life can be the same. You don't have to tell every detail to everyone you meet. That you have the right to hide your " hand" or show it when you want.

The problem for me was wanting to live my life so authentically and genuinely that I felt like I needed to be an open book. I've realized that living my life authentically and genuinely means I do what feels right and best for me and fuck anyone else. That's what being authentic to myself is. It's not about anyone else. If I want to write my life all over FB, that's my right. If I don't, my right again. If I am having a hard time getting through my grief, that's for me only. If I don't move on with dating for a year, my right. If I move on right away. My right. If I want to sleep with anyone and whoever whenever I want to, my right. I don't know why I felt I needed or need explain my life, my choices, my decisions, my actions to anyone. I don't. And fuck anyone who decides to judge me. You aren't me. You aren't in my shoes. You didn't lose your marriage and then your boyfriend in the last 3 years.....I did.

So my lesson at the moment is to keep my cards close to my body. Not show my hand so quickly   (unless I choose to with the those I trust and thankfully I have at least 3 to do that with ). So the people of this small little town, keep your nose out of others business. Concentrate and focus on your own life. Keep your judgements to yourself or how about stop any judging at all. What I do or anyone does has NOTHING to do with you. And until you are in my exact shoes or anyone else's, just stay in your own and live your life the way you are choosing to.

And what anyone " sees" from the outside may not be what's going on in the inside. I may be as happy as I look when you see me. I also may be holding my pain in because in that moment I have to.   I may be doing fantastic that day but I may have also laid in bed all morning bawling until I made myself get up and out. Or I may do that the moment I get home. My feelings come in those waves I wrote about and it's not always about him. It may be about life in general. Life can be hard. ....for everyone.

PS...nothing has happened. This is more about me getting it out so I can say fuck you to the idea of anyone's else's " image" or " perception" of how I or anyone should be. So that I can stop giving a shit about what might be said about me with how I decide to live my life from this moment on.

xo
barney