No f*cking idea

I keep seeing reminders to set your intentions. Your goals. What do you want from 2017. What do you want to create.

I have no fucking idea. Honestly. Maybe not be so sad. To heal.

Because really the only thing I want I can't ever have again. The only thing I'm missing from my life will never come back. Do you know hard that it is to fully accept?

I only want him. I have everything else I could ever want.

Just him. Just our relationship.

It was so easy. No games. No mind games. No guessing. No anxiety. No indecisiveness. . It just was. None of the bullshit that I know dating or relationships can be.

So I have no idea what to ask for in 2017. I just want to go back to end of May 2016 when we met. Or better yet, the morning of August 14 and tell him to stay with me instead of going riding. Can I have that? Pretty please?  Cause truly that's all I'd ever ask for.

So as I prepare to say goodbye to 2016 and hello to 2017, I feel sort of lost. I don't know what to ask for because I have no idea what I'm ready for.....

So maybe : Peace. Serenity. Strength. Gratefulness. Healing.

But really, I just want us.....fuck. Just us


xo
barney

hold on.....

" There’s going to be days when you just don’t want to be here anymore. You just stay. You f***ing stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice. I promise. I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you.” ~ Erin Van


I can admit there were far too many days than I like to admit that I've wanted to give up in my life. When my mom died, my divorce and Dan. Far too many. However I always knew, felt, that there was more. That I couldn't give in to that. That I was here for a reason.

I've had this proven even more lately. I've had friends privately message me to tell me to please keep talking. Please keep expressing my feelings. That without knowing it I have inspired them. I have helped them. Helped them stay positive. Helped them look at their own life and relationships differently. To strive to make their relationships better. More loving. More open. And shown them how to be strong even when you are weak. That vulnerability is a super hero strength. Not something to be afraid of.

I want my children to see that, yes, life can be incredibly shitty and so fucking painful however, that they have it in them to survive it. To not only survive, but thrive. Thrive despite what happens to them. That the world needs them. Needs their wisdom. Their voice. Their exuberance. Their joy.

This week I realized that I'm still the same woman I was 3mths ago. Strong. Calm. Happy. Just right now she is inside a grief bubble but she's slowly working her way out. I guess you could say like a baby chick when it starts to hatch. It slowly breaks a piece of the shell. It's not instant. It takes time. It starts usually with one tiny little foot. Breaking free but still not quite ready to shatter the whole outer shell. My grief bubble is my shell...I still need it. I feel safe in it however I am realizing how much it's starting to affect my life and hinder my growth. Hinder my happiness and joy. But inside that bubble is a woman who has never given up. Who's been through hell and back a few times now and it hasn't broken her yet. It's actually made her who she is ....a strong independent vulnerable loving insightful inspiring super effin hero. Who has a voice. Who isn't afraid to shine even if her light scares people away. She'll still shine so that maybe they can see themselves away from their darkness and shadows. That they have the same light and it not only rocks to shine it, it's what world needs you to do.

So hold on, my loves. You're here for a reason. You are needed. You have a voice. You are beautiful and the world would be a much different place without you in it. Always, always remember that .....especially in your darkest fucking days.

xo
barney

memories....

Wow...2 posts in one day :)

One of the hardest parts about missing someone isn't just that you don't get to talk to them or see them when you want, it's also not having anyone to share the memories you have together.  For me anyways, it is. In the moments when I'm reminded of something we did or said, I only have myself to say it and reminisce with. When I laugh about something he said or something I did, I'm the only one laughing.

Obviously there are some memories that you have with other people when they were around. See that's the thing though....we spent so much time alone that there aren't a lot of people to do that with.

When his friends were posting on his FB after the accident about all the fun stories I was a little jealous....jealous that they had people who could relate to that memory. Who had been there. I don't really have that.....however when I really think about it and feel it, for me it makes our time together even more special. Even if I have no one to share the memory with. Because in those moments, I didn't have to share him. It was just us. Even if the kids were around there were certain moments we'd  sneak flirty looks or whisper something only we could hear. Most of our time though, like I said was spent just us. That's what we were looking for, needed and wanted. And there was no music playing. No tv on. No FB or internet. It was just us, always talking and laughing. Such a different relationship than we had ever had before. So much talking on the phone...especially when he was away for the week. We'd talk at night when all the boys were settled down. Sometimes until 1am. It was our time to catch up. To say I miss you. Wish you were here. It happened when he'd go out town for the day ( for work) too. Put me on blue tooth and chat most of the way there and back. I love that I have those conversations in my head. I love how into each other we were and even in our crazy busy lives we always tried to make the other a priority. That's so incredibly important. Make your partner a priority. It takes a second. You don't need to talk to them for hours to show it...send a flirty fun text ending with I can't talk but wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

I got a text once in the middle of the day :

Beautiful
Ya You

That was it. That was the entire text. Do you know how amazing that was? How special it made me feel? See that's love. Without having to say a I love you. There are so many different ways to to show it. I actually think the words mean so much less than the actions or the looks. We taught me that. My whole life I was always waiting for the words. That wow he finally loves me cause he said it.......despite the actions they were showing me. I took the words to be more important.

This time.....it was the actions. It was the respect. Being vulnerable. Being strong for the other. Being there. The looking into each other's eyes...and I mean actually looking and seeing. The words didn't need to be said. They had been said a hundred times already through our actions. Through our texts. Through our time spent alone. Through our kisses. Through our eyes.....absolutely 100% through our eyes. I knew it and he knew it. That's something pretty freakin special.

So I have all these memories. All of these moments replaying in my head. And don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to have them. Just sometimes I wish, no ache, to turn to him and say remember when? or let him know how that memory made me feel.....and not just out loud to myself or to his spirit. To actually, physically him. To hear his answer back or hear his laugh. Or to have him make fun of me.

Just to have him....to share that memory again.....one more time

xo
barney

Light and fun

I've been wanting to write daily the last few weeks but my emotions have been up down, up and down. Struggled with the words to write. Struggling with how I'm really feeling. Still am

Right now, the feeling is living life light and fun. Light and fun. Goofy. Silly. Taking nothing too seriously cause fuck how can you? If losing him hasn't shown me that what will?? One moment we were hanging out on his couch, the next he was gone. You never know what's going to happen. What's coming next? It may be the best thing for you and it may be the worst. So live it up people. Live it up.

Stop taking yourself so seriously. So you said the wrong thing? Oops. Now move on. You made the wrong choice. Oh oh. Now move on.

Stop taking anyone so seriously as well. They are just as human and bound to eff up as you are. Give them the room to be themselves. Dear God, please absolutely give yourself that room.

So do the things you're afraid of. Put yourself out there even with the fear of looking like an ass. So what? You won't look like one but even if you do, someone like me is going to admire the fuck out of you for doing it. I'm gonna respect you so much more than I would you sitting in your little confined cute box. Don't be me. Don't be the girl who has been so afraid to risk. To risk herself. Her feelings. Her joy. Her happiness. Be the person who is light and fun and just plain ridiculously happy.

Life can be, is and will be absolutely too short to be anything different.......just do it. Live it. Be it.

.........Happy ......

xo
barney

allowing

Today is a grief day. And that's ok. I'm finally coming to terms that I'm going to have them. For maybe a very long time. That crying every couple of minutes or going through a whole day with only crying once is ok. Normal. Normal for me anyways.

 Someone yesterday cried telling me how much she still missed him and even to her it didn't feel real. She knew him longer than I did however didn't obviously have the same type of relationship. In that moment it made me realize if she can still miss him this much and feel this sad, no wonder I do.

See I have a bit of OCD....and when I say that, it means my brain won't shut off and I tend to obsess over things especially if I need to find " logic" in it to sort it out in my brain. I need to feel like I'm " normal" ......I need to make " sense" of things.  It's crazy and it's fucking stupid. All I need to do is feel without feeling the need to explain it or justify it but somehow that's a really hard thing for me. I'm a chronic overthinker. And sometimes, most times it's so detrimental to my state of mind.

I don't know of I learned at an early age to shut my feelings off when they hurt or are too much. Or if life experiences has done it. That in trying to protect myself, my heart, I give it over to my brain. Who then says " get over it" " move on" " let it go" etc etc etc, I think it's how I've learned to survive. However I don't know if this is the healthiest way for me to survive. It's worked up until now but maybe it's time to feel more, think less. Fuck, though, that's scary. Feeling all the feels and sitting in  it. Sitting in it without trying to think. To figure it out. To justify. Just to feel.

So for today, it's a grief day. Just a feel day. So if you see me and I look sad. My eyes may be puffy. I have the eyeore cloud over my head, you'll know that I've been sitting in my shit, feeling all my feelings and just allowing.

More than likely though, it'll be a cocooning day.

Ten.....

10 weeks today. I know it's probably not the healthiest to keep counting but it's how my brain works. I did it when we were together.  " wow it's been 4 weeks" now 6. Holy shit we've made it 6 weeks. Now 8. Two whole months. I was excited to count them. I was like a teenager who wanted to celebrate each week especially a milestone one like a month or 2. We actually never got to 12- 3 mths. You died 6 days earlier. But I didn't care, I rounded it up.

10 weeks.....and that first day, I didn't know if I was going to make 10 minutes without being with you.  The first 10 minutes after getting the call I didn't know if I was going to make it at all.....except for the kids. Mine and yours. I had to tell mine and I had to get to yours.

I will be honest in saying it's gotten a bit easier. Quite a bit on some days. Others, not so much.

A part of me doesn't know if I want to get used to it being like this. Calmer. More peaceful. The chaos and the pain can get addicting and it's what I'm used to from my whole life. And a part of me is scared that I'll forget. That we'll forget you. I know it's not real. It's not rational but dude, we know how I'm not always the most rational human.

I do miss you as much as I did in the moment I found out you were gone. I can still feel that feeling. The bending over onto my bed, staring at the picture of us and saying out loud no. Please no. And sobbing. Wanting to crawl out of my body because it hurt so much. Frantic. Thinking how the fuck did this happen. This can't be real. No, this cannot be real.

10 weeks later it's still real.

But today, like that day, the sun is shining. The leaves have turned and are beautiful. I'm healing. I'm learning to be grateful. I'm seeing the beauty again. I remembering us. Remembering the things we talked about. Laughed our asses off about. I'm remembering how you looked at me. How you kissed me. How your smile made feel like I was the only one in the room and the most beautiful.  I'm remembering how independent and strong I am and how much you admired me for it. I'm remembering that I will never settle for anyone less than the kind of man you are.

I'm remembering us......and how we felt about each other.....in 11, almost 12 short weeks. And those override the 10 weeks since you've been gone. They always will.

Always and forever

xo
barney

Are we any different?

I have so many mixed up emotions at the moment.....

I see all the people who loved him. Who knew him for so many years. Had so many memories with him and from their pictures or how they talk, life seems to getting back to normal for them. They're going on road trips. They enjoyed their Thanksgiving even with a touch of sadness. They're hunting. They're hiking. They're making plans. Looking forward to the snow, to ski or do whatever winter brings joy to them.

And all I feel is stuck. I'm envious. I also know I'm not necessarily seeing the whole picture. How they may cry at night or at their jobs in the middle of the day. But from where it looks from for me, they're accepting the loss better. They're moving forward. And I feel like that all I do is keep looking back.

Their normal or maybe their new normal seems so different than mine. But then again maybe their normal was only seeing or talking to him once a week or even once every two. They were best friends, close friends, great friends but they had their own separate everyday life from him. For the months we were together, we weren't separated. If we didn't get to see each other, we at least talked.

My normal in 3 short but amazing months changed so drastically. I went from being extremely single. Independent. Content. Doing things on my own all the time to speaking and usually seeing someone everyday. That became my new normal within a week and lasted 10 more. One extreme to the other. And then when he died, the extreme changed back....only this time I have sadness, sorrow, longing and aching instead of independence and contentment. And I don't have him to turn to in those moments. No soft place to fall....except my own arms.

Maybe that's why I'm envious too....most people have their person still. When missing him and wanting to call him overwhelms them, they have their mate ( or it seems like most do). To talk about it. Have them hold them. Understand what they feel like.

This is not meant to be a " feel sorry" for me post. It's just trying to figure it out in my head.

I think I may need to learn more about whatever it seems they are doing to bring back their normal or their " new" normal. Or maybe I just need to be gentle in reminding myself that my grief is my own. My relationship with him was different as theirs was as well. And also that what I " see" in a picture or " hear" about is maybe just a snippet of happiness. That those who love him are grieving as much as I am and are feeling as alone in that as I do......

xo
barney