memories....

Wow...2 posts in one day :)

One of the hardest parts about missing someone isn't just that you don't get to talk to them or see them when you want, it's also not having anyone to share the memories you have together.  For me anyways, it is. In the moments when I'm reminded of something we did or said, I only have myself to say it and reminisce with. When I laugh about something he said or something I did, I'm the only one laughing.

Obviously there are some memories that you have with other people when they were around. See that's the thing though....we spent so much time alone that there aren't a lot of people to do that with.

When his friends were posting on his FB after the accident about all the fun stories I was a little jealous....jealous that they had people who could relate to that memory. Who had been there. I don't really have that.....however when I really think about it and feel it, for me it makes our time together even more special. Even if I have no one to share the memory with. Because in those moments, I didn't have to share him. It was just us. Even if the kids were around there were certain moments we'd  sneak flirty looks or whisper something only we could hear. Most of our time though, like I said was spent just us. That's what we were looking for, needed and wanted. And there was no music playing. No tv on. No FB or internet. It was just us, always talking and laughing. Such a different relationship than we had ever had before. So much talking on the phone...especially when he was away for the week. We'd talk at night when all the boys were settled down. Sometimes until 1am. It was our time to catch up. To say I miss you. Wish you were here. It happened when he'd go out town for the day ( for work) too. Put me on blue tooth and chat most of the way there and back. I love that I have those conversations in my head. I love how into each other we were and even in our crazy busy lives we always tried to make the other a priority. That's so incredibly important. Make your partner a priority. It takes a second. You don't need to talk to them for hours to show it...send a flirty fun text ending with I can't talk but wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

I got a text once in the middle of the day :

Beautiful
Ya You

That was it. That was the entire text. Do you know how amazing that was? How special it made me feel? See that's love. Without having to say a I love you. There are so many different ways to to show it. I actually think the words mean so much less than the actions or the looks. We taught me that. My whole life I was always waiting for the words. That wow he finally loves me cause he said it.......despite the actions they were showing me. I took the words to be more important.

This time.....it was the actions. It was the respect. Being vulnerable. Being strong for the other. Being there. The looking into each other's eyes...and I mean actually looking and seeing. The words didn't need to be said. They had been said a hundred times already through our actions. Through our texts. Through our time spent alone. Through our kisses. Through our eyes.....absolutely 100% through our eyes. I knew it and he knew it. That's something pretty freakin special.

So I have all these memories. All of these moments replaying in my head. And don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to have them. Just sometimes I wish, no ache, to turn to him and say remember when? or let him know how that memory made me feel.....and not just out loud to myself or to his spirit. To actually, physically him. To hear his answer back or hear his laugh. Or to have him make fun of me.

Just to have him....to share that memory again.....one more time

xo
barney